New Year's Resolutions

Here we are again, the in the land of New Year’s resolutions.

Losing the (Quarantine) Weight.

Eating Healthier

Sticking to a Budget

Being a Better Person (whatever that means…we’ve done it too)

And yet, every year, it’s easy to track that after the initial hype, we’re all sort of over New Year’s resolutions by January 6th or so.

Many of us work with young people to help build their self-esteem. This work is critical and can be so rewarding. But it is equally important to keep track of and nurture our own relationship to ourselves as adults.

Usually, New Year’s resolutions are a thinly veiled mechanism for telling ourselves we are not enough and need to be BETTER.

This year, in addition to/instead of reliving the typical New Years resolution cycle, we offer you the following strategy for learning more about yourself and finding greater freedom within:

Step one: Pick one of your resolutions. For instance, “I want to lose 10 pounds” (a familiar one to many of us).

Step two: Instead of immediately proceeding headlong into an almost-sure-to-eventually-fail cycle of diet deprivation and positive/negative self-talk, try first asking yourself, “why do I want to lose 10 pounds?”

Common answers include, “to feel lighter, to feel as though I have more energy, to feel better about myself.” Sit with the question until you find one that feels the most true for you.

Step three: Pick your answer/one of your answers and make a list of all the ways and places in your life that this statement isn’t true – outside of weight concerns.

So, for example, if your reason was, “I want to feel lighter”, make a list of all the places in your life that feel heavy:

“I feel really bogged down at work with projects I keep saying yes to but don’t want to do” or

“I feel the weight of friendships or family relationships that don’t give to me as much as I give to them” or

“The grief I feel from having lost my mother feels like a weight in the middle of my chest.”

Step four: Decide to take a step to heal one of these places. For example, seeking therapy to work on why you constantly find yourself in relationships where you give, but don’t get, very much. Or to process grief. Or to examine your patterns at work.

It doesn’t mean we can’t carry on with weight loss or self-improvement. But doing this deeper work is the only thing that can provide the kind of freedom we seek in making New Year’s resolutions in the first place.

Wishing us all love and a little more lightness in 2021. And let’s go easy on ourselves – we survived 2020, which is no small feat on its own.

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com.

Raise Your Voice! Proposed Changes to Title IX Funding and College Campuses

---

The era of #MeToo has raised the significance of conversations around sexual misconduct and assault. Over the last year or so, many college campuses have stepped up to provide better support, programming, and resources for survivors of sexual assault. A large portion of the funding for these services has been through Title IX guidelines, which are “federal rules created in 1972 to protect the civil rights of students and staff. This includes guidance on how sexual harassment and assault are handled on campuses receiving federal education funds.” Schools receiving federal funds must also ensure that students are not discriminated against based on their sex, and are not denied or limited in their ability to participate in campus classes and programs (Title IX Resource Guide).

Historically, Title IX has offered protections for students who experience harassment and/or assault as a student at these schools. However, this may soon change. Betsy DeVos, head of the Department of Education under the Trump Administration, has proposed new Title IX rules that could change the way schools that receive Title IX funding are able to respond to reports of sexual assault around their campuses. Some of these proposed changes include:

• Investigating complaints only if the alleged incident occurred on campus or affiliated areas overseen by the school.

• Receipt of complaints will be limited to certain school officials.

• Accused students will be allowed to cross-examine their accusers in the presence of a school representative. (Burlington Free Press)

As written, these changes would have a severe impact on survivors of sexual harassment and assault. The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) currently reports that 12% of college students have experienced a rape or sexual assault, with the possibility of that number actually being much higher because of the number of those who don’t report. The Department’s  proposed changes would create even more harm for victims, by adding unnecessary barriers to reporting and seeking justice. If put into effect, these changes could effectively “force accusers to confront the people they’re accusing, limit the resources for reporting, and tie universities’ hands when it comes to seeking justice for survivors.” (Marie Claire).

Anyone who is concerned about the proposed changes can take steps to make their voice heard. The Department has an open comment period until January 28th. Go to the Office of the Federal Register to read the document, and add your comments to make your voice heard! Together, #WeToo stand with survivors of sexual harassment and assault.

Holy Moly…It’s Let’s Talk Month!

By Sydni Loney, Program Assistant

---

What is ‘Let’s Talk Month?’, you ask?

Let’s Talk Month is an annual educational campaign coordinated by Advocates For Youth (AFY), a national non-profit focused on helping adolescents make informed and healthy decisions about their sexual health. According to AFY, “Let's Talk Month is an opportunity for community agencies, religious institutions, businesses, schools, media, parent groups and health providers to plan programs and activities which encourage parent/child communication about sexuality.”

Each October, our efforts are channeled into helping folks find ways to begin these conversations. Pause, let’s say that again; conversations. A one-time talk is great, but all of the topics encompassed in sexuality can’t be discussed in a single sit-down. Plus, learning new information often takes repetition. AKA, talking OVER and OVER again about the same information. And while it may feel overwhelming or uncomfortable for both of you, research shows that young people prefer to learn this information from their parents/caregivers. Not the internet. Not MTV. Not their friends. YOU.

So when and where do you even begin?! Just like we encourage education to begin early in the schools, we encourage discussions to begin early at home as well. If you have a preschooler or elementary student:

• Introduce the concept of bodily autonomy. Help them learn to take care of their own body rather than doing everything for them. Don’t force them to sit on Santa’s lap or hug a relative if they don’t want to; teach them that they control their body and what happens to it.

• Introduce consent. Model asking before tickling or hugging, and stop when they say “stop!” even if they are giggling. Teach them to ask you before tickling or climbing all over you.

• Use correct terms for anatomy. Don’t refer to their body parts as a “ding-dong” or “cookie”; this will teach them that their body parts are nothing to be ashamed of. It can also help them if they ever experience sexual violence, because they will know the correct way to describe what happened to them.

If you’re past the little years and have a middle-/high-schooler:

• Ask about what they are learning in school. Many students begin receiving sex education of some kind in middle or high school, so ask them about what they are learning. Use open-ended questions, not questions they can mumble a “yes” or “no” to.

• Don’t be afraid to bring up topics like birth control and STD testing. It may sound horrifying, but many students don’t receive reliable information about these thing from anywhere else. If you don’t know all the details yourself, look them up or find resources you can pass off to your teen.

• Talk about relationships. If you notice that they or their friends have begun dating relationships, ask them questions about it. You can also use TV shows, movies, or song lyrics to begin these conversations. 1 in 3 teens will experience dating violence at some point. Help curb their risk but talking openly and freely about what’s healthy and what’s not.

• Find the right time. Avoid scenarios that might feel confrontational. Any anything with constant direct eye-contact might be a bit much for both of you. Instead, use the drive to an extracurricular or sitting on the couch during a movie to bring up these topics. The more comfortable you can make it, the more your teen will open up.

• Learn when to let it go. Teens can be moody, and sometimes they simply won’t be receptive to the conversation. As long as they aren’t in any danger, sometimes it’s best to just let things go for the moment. Make sure they have resources available for if/when they are ready to talk.

You can learn more about Let’s Talk Month and find additional resources at here.