Everyone Needs a Steady Somebody
Think back to when you were a kid. Was there one grown-up who made you feel like you mattered?
Maybe it was a grandparent who always had time to listen, or a coach who saw something in you before you saw it in yourself. Maybe it was the teacher who noticed when you were quiet, a neighbor, an aunt, or the lunch lady who knew your name.
Most of us can name that person right away. Research says they mattered more than we knew.
Researchers at Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child have spent years studying why some kids do well even after facing serious hardship. One answer comes up again and again. No matter the source of the hardship, the single most common factor for children who end up doing well is having at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver or other adult.
Not a perfect childhood. Not some special inner toughness. One person who kept showing up.
That’s because resilience isn’t something kids are simply born with or have to build alone. It grows through relationships. A caring adult helps a child build skills like managing big feelings, planning ahead and adapting when life changes, and those skills carry them for years.
And it’s never too late. The research shows the skills that help kids bounce back can be strengthened at any age, and supportive adults are a big part of how that happens.
Being someone’s one doesn’t take a grand gesture. It looks like:
Showing up consistently, even in small ways.
Noticing when something seems off, and asking about it.
Listening more than you lecture.
Remembering what matters to them, like their best friend’s name or the game they’re nervous about.
Doing what you said you’d do.
So this Thanksgiving, here’s a challenge in two parts. First, if your person is still around, reach out and tell them what they meant to you. A call, a text or a handwritten note all count. Second, look around at the young people in your life, whether they’re your kids, nieces and nephews, students or the kid next door, and ask yourself who might need you to be their one.
You don’t have to fix everything. You just have to show up.
Source: Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, “Resilience” and “InBrief: The Science of Resilience.”