Building Social Media Literacy: An Unconventional Experiment

Last year, during the pandemic, my husband and I gave into our nine-year-old and let her open an Instagram account.

I know, I know.

But there are important things to explain about this decision. First, she has a grand total of 10 followers to her private account. Each follower is a friend or family member, someone we trust. Second, with a few exceptions at the end (more about that later), we did not let her post pictures of herself.

Third—and most important—she was actually asking to open the account and discuss it with us as she went. It was, essentially, an invitation to a sacred and rare parent-child communication space that we couldn’t pass up. And with all the togetherness of the past year, it was easy enough to do.

We also made the decision because we are fully aware that in five or six years, our daughter will not be inviting us so willingly into her social media space.

In general, I am of the belief that, just as in sex education, we must start communicating with our children about challenging topics far sooner than we think.

And so I figured that while we were stuck at home together, allowing her to post pictures of puppies to Instagram and then chatting about her account was a great and gentle place to introduce her to the concepts of privacy and safety and overall the purpose of social media.

Here are a few things that came up during our experiment (which, BTW, only lasted a few short months before she grew bored and moved onto drawing cartoons from a series of tutorials on YouTube):

- She received requests from people we didn’t know, who wanted to follow her on Instagram. This allowed us to chat about why we don’t accept requests from strangers, especially as a child or teen. Over time, she would increasingly report when she rejected a request, telling me with pride, “I don’t know this person, so they don’t get to see my posts!”

- One day, she wanted to post a picture of her newly pierced ears. I said yes, which led to a series of posts from her that were clearly modeled after so many staged Instagram posts—“duck lips” and all. This led to a really important conversation about how and why there is so much staging on Instagram, as well as what is real and what is not real, etc. We also talked about body image and social media content. Ultimately, we removed the posts together.

- She posted a ton of cute puppy pictures she found online. From this I learned that puppy pictures make people really happy.

This tactic of working through social media together with children is not for everyone. But I do believe there are lessons to be learned from my experiment.

Too often, we give children far too little information to prepare them for real life: in sex education, in financial literacy, in social media safety, etc. Then as they become young adults, the bulk of our preparation entails telling them, “You’re about to do X thing. As you do, please just remember not to do the “wrong” things like get pregnant or go into debt or engage in unsafe online behavior.”

This type of “preparation” does not work. If we truly want to prepare children for adulthood, then we have to educate them fully. And sometimes that means going against the grain and allowing your nine-year-old to have limited access to social media. I’m hopeful our experiment served as just one of many important building blocks for the future.

We’re curious: what experiences have you had in bucking traditional wisdom in order to prepare your kids for the larger world? Or for the social media world? We’d love to hear from you!

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com or gail@eyesopeniowa.org.

Dating While Social Distancing: How to Maintain a Healthy (and Fun) Relationship

By: Tricia Ingram Williams, Training Specialist

Let’s admit it; this whole social distancing thing can be a little stressful. There’s school-work to do, siblings and parents to tolerate at all hours of the day, and friendships to maintain. On top of all of that, some teenagers are also trying to continue a relationship with their significant other.

Dating is hard enough when you see your significant other (SO) at school 5-days a week. How the heck are teens supposed to keep their relationship happy and healthy when they can’t even meet up with their partner in person?

Below are five tips to help you maintain a healthy relationship with your SO while social distancing (and even a few social distancing date ideas).

Set boundaries. Since most of us are stuck at home right now, we’re spending more time than ever on our phones and other devices. This makes it tempting to text your romantic interest at all hours of the day (and night). But it’s important to spend time away from all those screens. Set boundaries with your partner about how often you’ll be in communication, so that you have plenty of time to focus on your school-work, exercise outside, spend quality time with your family, and get plenty of rest.

Respect boundaries. If your SO sets boundaries about how often they’d like to talk, be sure to respect those! You can’t expect your partner to always respond to your text immediately, even if they did just post on Snapchat.

Have a robust support system. Quick! Write a list of 5 people that you enjoy talking to. This list could include your best friend, a parent or other family member, a teacher; whoever you feel like you can rely on and trust. Now make it a goal to reach out to each of these people at least once this week. Sometimes we can rely too much on our significant other to be our best friend, romantic interest, therapist, and comedian all in one! This can put too much pressure on one person, and that’s not fair. Instead, it’s important to have a handful of people in our life that we can talk to about significant things, especially during stressful times (like a global pandemic).

Make informed choices about virtual sexual behavior. Since you can’t be with your boyfriend or girlfriend in person, you might want to be sexual in socially distant ways. While sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s important to learn about the potential positives and negatives of virtual sexual behavior (like sexting). For more information on sexting and its potential legal ramifications, check out Eyes Open Iowa’s blog post, “New Rules of the Digital Age - Sexting.”

Keep social distancing. The longer this pandemic goes on, the more likely it is that you will begin to feel “quarantine fatigue.” You may have noticed that your determination to maintain social distancing has waned in the past week or two, and you may be tempted to meet up with your SO in person. But it is so important that you continue to social distance, wear a mask in public, and stay home when possible. If you don’t want to get sick and you don’t want your SO to get sick, be sure to keep social distancing!

Even though social distancing means that you can’t be with you partner in person, it’s doesn’t mean that you can’t have some awesome date nights! Here are a few social distancing date ideas:

• Pick out a recipe and cook the same meal from your respective kitchens while FaceTiming. You could even make it a competition (who’s meal looks the best at the end)! Then sit down and enjoy the fruits of your labor

. • Use Netflix Party (or a similar website) to watch a show or movie together and chat throughout.

• Have a scavenger hunt for the most random objects you can find in your house. Set a time limit, and when the time is up show each other what you were able to find!

What other social distancing date ideas do you have? Comment below to let us know!

5 Ways to Improve Communication With Your Teen

by Danielle Miller Hajdini, LCSW

It’s difficult to compete for your teen’s attention in the modern world. Not only are parents up against the old regulars - social circles, homework, job responsibilities and extracurricular activities, now they must contend with the entire world wide web and it’s wild sister, social media! And let me tell you that sister is trouble! So many of us are left to wonder how we can communicate with our children in a fashion that leaves both parties feeling heard and valued. As a child and adolescent therapist, I’ve learned a few ideas that allow parents the opportunity to build a solid foundation of healthy communication with their adolescent.

Lead with the truth. Many times parents avoid truthful conversations with their children out of a desire to protect them. I caution against this as children are much more perceptive to other’s feelings than we give them credit for. They are always paying attention and picking up on even the smallest of comments and behaviors. If we don’t tell the truth to our kiddos then it leaves them to make up their own stories in their head and those stories can sometimes be much worse than the truth. No one wants their children to experience undue anxiety. Not to mention, if our kids know they can come to us with the difficult questions in life and we will be open and truthful, it will build a sense of safety and connection in our relationship that will last a lifetime. Everyone benefits from the truth!

Use active listening. Active listening is a term often used in therapy. It involves a high level of engagement upon your part. Giving you the opportunity to act as a sounding board, active listening builds validation for your teen and as a result he/she is much more likely to keep talking. Kids always hope their parents are actively listening and you can show them you are by doing the following:

● Put away cell phones or any other distractions

● Make and hold eye contact

● Withhold interruptions, judgement, advice and attempt to remain neutral

● Ask questions for clarification

● Smile, lean in - show you are interested

● Be absolutely present in the moment

Emphasize connection. The more you connect with your children through healthy conversation the less correction you will need. Teens who feel secure in their relationship with their parents will feel less of a need to rebel or act out (even though this can sometimes be a normal part of adolescence.) Isn’t that what we all want? Connection equates to quality time spent together in the present moment. How you spend your quality time is up to you: it could be going to lunch on the weekend or spending an extra 10 minutes together at night talking about their day. Agenda-free presence is all it requires.

Pay attention to the small things. Our kids will come to us for countless reasons throughout their lives. Something I think every parent wants. I recommend trying your best to field those small questions, concerns and comments with as much time and respect as you do with the big moments in life. If kids know they can come to you about a game they are playing or a sandwich they are eating and you will give your full attention and care no matter how trivial the topic, they are much more likely to come to you if they have questions about the big things in life like healthy relationships, problems with friends or thoughts and feelings of depression and anxiety.

Don’t assume the worst. Teenagers get a bad rap. They have a reputation that many times or most of the time (if I am being honest) precedes them- selfish, overly emotional, lazy, disrespectful and combative. You name it. As a therapist, I have heard it. While it may be true at times, the same can be said about adults. Parents have their problematic days too. If we are going to be forgiving of our own poor behavior, we should be forgiving of our teen’s questionable choices as well. We all have good days and bad days. Teens are exploring, learning and making mistakes. It doesn’t mean they don’t want our support, our concern, and our attention to help them navigate the difficulties. They beg us to love them through sometimes the ugliest of behaviors. They aren’t awful teens. They are simply people like us who are craving connection, validation and acceptance.

It’s up to us to guide our teens and support them even on their worst days. As parents we have the opportunity to take the lead and improve communication with our young people. If we practice these skills consistently, we will build relationships with our children that are overflowing with love, honesty and mutual respect.

Guest Blogger - Danielle Miller Hajdini, LCSW is the founder of Family Mind Wellness. A psychotherapist based in Atlanta, Georgia, she specializes in the holistic treatment and prevention of anxiety disorders. As a consultant, speaker and educator, she works to help families everywhere make the connection between mental wellness and healthy lifestyle choices. For more like this, visit Family Mind Wellness on Facebook