Questioning my Education Practice (part 2): an interview with Kay Switzer

Interview with EOI Board member Kay Switzer, part 2: Questioning My Sex Education

 EOI’s Director of Development, Gail Cowan, sat down with Kay Switzer, EOI board member, to ask her about her own experience with sex education and her motivation for working in the field. Kay has been a mover and shaker in the reproductive world, dedicating her career to the advancement of reproductive rights. She has had time spent in the classroom teaching sex education to students as well as advocating for the Title X family planning program. This is part 2 of the interview. (You can read part 1 here)

 Gail: Last time, we talked about your sex education experience in middle school and high school. How did that education prepare you – or not – for the larger world after you left high school?

 Kay: When I went to community college away from home, I met so many people from different walks of life. But I found that I was still operating from a shame-based narrative about my personal life, including how I felt about myself and my own sexual experiences or lack thereof. I remember having a conversation with a good friend. She said to me, “I have learned more from you than I have in school or from my family.” While at the time I was flattered, I now realize how telling that statement was. If I was the best it got in terms of sex education for my friend, then that was saying something.

 Gail: How and when did you begin teaching sex education?

 Kay: I first began teaching sex education informally to friends and peers as I learned factual information about reproductive and sexual health . I was able to answer questions and provide support. Then, once I had transferred to a university, I worked with teen girls through a summer program. Some of the girls talked to me about same-sex experiences. As I spoke to these girls, I could hear in their questions the bias they were experiencing:

 ·        “My parents don’t like gay people, but I don’t have a problem with it”

·        “I didn’t really want to... It just happened, but like I kinda wanted to”

·        “I think I like girls”

 As an educator, how do you hear these things and not let it get to your heart? Thankfully, I was able to sit down and talk one-on-one with many of these girls to mentor them and provide honest feedback.

 Gail: In addition to being passionate about sex education, you’re also an advocate for family planning services. When did you start realizing the importance of trauma-informed family planning care?

 Kay: When I was in my early 20s, I went to the gynecologist to get birth control. I picked the non-hormonal IUD. No one told me how painful this would be. I took some ibuprofen before coming in as directed, but no one explained to me that doctors can and will do an invasive procedure on women without pain medications. It hurt so much that I had to stop and couldn't finish the procedure. The next year, I had my annual visit, and I was so nervous that the new gynecologist asked me if I was okay. She said, “it looks like you have had some trauma.” I did not even think of it that way. Women experience pain and are expected to push through it. Our health care is determined by our professionals. Within any health system, it's up to the doctor to create the atmosphere of safety for the client. If that doctor has any biases, it is very apparent in their practice. Unfortunately, this is how the cycle continues.

 Gail: How do you think we can best end this cycle?

 Kay: All of these experiences justify the importance of comprehensive sex education. Comprehensive sex education does not use fear tactics to shame students. Rather, it is inclusive of all students, including LGBTQ+ youth, and it is factual and free of biases and personal values.

 I recently saw a book on anatomy at a local store and I opened it to find every system in the human body covered, except for the reproductive system.

 When we give age-appropriate sex education – beginning with teaching elementary school the basics about boundaries and consent (e.g., it is okay not to hug someone if you don’t want to) – we start a foundation for self-advocacy. As the student get older, they are more comfortable with refusal skills and saying no. When we give kids information on sex education often it delays first onset sexual experience. If the goal is to avoid unwanted infections, unwanted pregnancy, and healthy relationships, we need to stop lying to our kids about this information. We are human beings with many facets, including sexual development and sexual feelings, and it is important to talk about this.

 Gail: Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. It’s so important that we talk openly and honestly about things so many people do through, but it can also be hard to do. We appreciate all you do for EOI – and for sex education and family planning in Iowa!

 Kay: Thanks for having me and giving me a place to share my experiences. I’m grateful for the staff of EOI and their commitment to talking about hard things every day.

Questioning my Education Practice: an interview with Kay Switzer, EOI Board member (part 1)

Recently, EOI’s Director of Development, Gail Cowan, sat down with Kay Switzer, EOI board member, to ask her about her own experience with sex education and her motivation for working in the field. Kay has been a mover and shaker in the reproductive world, dedicating her career to the advancement of reproductive rights. She has had time spent in the classroom teaching sex education to students as well as advocating for the Title X family planning program. This is part 1 of the interview. Part 2 will be featured in our next newsletter.

Gail: What’s your earliest memory of sex education?

Kay: When I was in third grade, I remember learning about the human body. We had lessons on the lungs, heart, and stomach. I vividly remember learning about the three bones in our ears from our student teacher. As I sat there filling out labels for each organ on my worksheet, I couldn’t shake the feeling of “what if there are more organs in the body that they are not telling us about?”

Gail: Did you continue to receive sex education? How did it change as you got older?

Kay: When I was in fifth grade, I remember a puberty talk. Boys and girls were separated to watch Just Around the Corner videos. I was fascinated. I was not menstruating, but the process was intriguing. It could have been the fact that it was taboo or that adults kept the information from us. After watching the videos, we received puberty packs – pads, deodorant, sanitary wipes, etc. I remember our teacher saying, “I spent money out of my own pocket to provide these for you.”

Then when I was in eighth grade, the boys and girls watched each other’s videos together. There were many laughs and silly questions. I was too afraid to ask the questions I wanted answers to because it was so much deeper than what my peers wanted to know. I wanted to know:

●       Why is this awkward?

●       Why can’t you just provide the facts?

●       Why is the principal looking in on the class only on puberty days?

Gail: Tell me about your experience with sex education in high school.

And when I was in tenth grade, I remember deciding what health classes to take. The options were sparse – Sex Education, Mental Health, and Family Health (which included carrying a baby doll around for two weeks). I remember my teacher showing us condoms but explaining that she couldn’t show us how they worked because the school was against it. If parents didn’t want their child learning about sex education, that student was put in one of the other classes. The only other class that touched reproductive health was anatomy and physiology.

When I took my high school health class, my teacher overshared personal details. I thought to myself, “Why does it matter that you first started menstruating on Christmas day in 5th grade?” I did not need to know that she got on birth control after her child was born. She made it seem like birth control was only an option after you had a child. I was bold that day and I asked, “but do you NEED to be on birth control?” My teacher looked a little stunned and replied, “well it’s up to you.” This was the only affirming thing I remember learning. It’s UP TO ME to decide what is right for my body. She may not have intended that to be the answer, but it was mine.

Gail: How did these experiences shape your professional interest in sex education and the work you do now?

Because health class was always my favorite, I took every opportunity to be in a class where this was the subject material. I was so lucky to have six classes that talked about sex education, but it still wasn’t enough. There were holes in the education. I always wondered why it was so hard for people to talk about these topics. Now I know.

Sex Education should always be the primary responsibility of the parent or caretaker to address at home. But what happens when our parents/caregivers are too uncomfortable with the topic? Their children extend the cycle of misinformation. This leaves the education up to the public school system, which is governed and influenced by religious teachings and personal values (even when it should not be this way). Young people deserve factual information, untainted by personal bias and coercion.

In my case, I was heavily influenced by the religious values of my family. I was expected to marry a man, have babies, and never advocate for my bodily autonomy. This naturally skewed the importance of sex education in my family. I was expected not to have sex until I was married, and therefore didn’t need information about sex. But despite the peer pressure of shaming sex practices, I wanted to learn as much as I could to help other people in my situation. Knowledge is power.

I knew that what I was being told was not applicable to me. As a child-free person and someone who has known they are part of the LGBTQ+ community since childhood, I didn’t feel represented. If I was not supposed to have sex until I was married, did that not apply to queer folks? Why were there so many rules for straight couples and none for me? It just felt confusing. We just danced around all of these topics.

At EOI, the work we are doing is helping young people make healthy decisions for themselves. We are breaking the cycle of misinformation. It is up to us to advocate for our own bodies and for the education of younger generations. Together, we are making this vision a reality.

What Small Town Sex Ed Taught Me

I come from a small town in the northwest corner of Iowa. Growing up in a small town, with very conservative views on life, I hadn’t been exposed to much. My school was 99% white, 99% (perceived) heterosexual (if anyone came out as otherwise they were made to feel ashamed), and at least 80% of my community were conservative Christians. 

 In middle school we had the “puberty talk”—boys and girls in separate rooms, of course. I will give credit to the school nurse for providing an anonymous question box for us girls to put questions in. The boys weren’t so lucky: the PE teacher was in charge of their puberty talk. How original! 

 In high school, we got basic information about sex and reproduction. We were also told that every time we had sex outside of marriage, we were giving away a petal from our “flower” and if we had too much sex before marriage, we wouldn’t have a flower left to give our “husband.” The takeaway was girls shouldn’t have sex because men deserve an intact “flower”. The teacher certainly wasn’t talking to the boys in the room when she used the word husband, because as I mentioned, heterosexuality was the ideal. 

 So, what knowledge did I have going into college, you ask? I knew that a sperm and egg made a baby and I figured out through context clues that sex was the common method of combining them. I knew condoms were a popular birth control method, they were cheap enough, and you could buy them without anyone really knowing. 

 Imagine my surprise when I had a “class field trip” to a women’s health clinic for a college class (thanks public health major) and they talked about birth control methods that I had never heard about like the shot, the IUD, the implant, and emergency contraception. I had heard of EC but was told it was the same as an abortion pill (let the record show this never stopped me from going with most of my high school friends to get them emergency contraception and a pregnancy test, with the idea that if the pregnancy test was positive, they would take the EC… tsk).

 In college I learned just how prevalent STIs are and how regularly someone should get tested. I also learned how easy getting tested could be. I’ll never forget going to the student health clinic for a prescription and the receptionist asking if I’d like a free STD screening. Now I realize at a college, they’re probably a bit more proactive on the subject, but it was the fact that she didn’t whisper the question, she didn’t make me feel ashamed if I said yes and I wasn’t scared to feel shamed by any of the doctors there if I did do the screening. It was eye opening. 

 In college I leaned towards sex ed as a career. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for because I had never seen an example of good sex ed. In my mind my only option was to become a health teacher and hope I could be better than what I had.

 After finishing my classes, I began an internship with EyesOpenIowa, an organization whose mission is making sex ed better. I learned so much in my few months as an intern. It was truly eye opening, and at times very frustrating, to see just how much misinformation I was led to believe and how much information was withheld from me. 

 After my internship, EOI hired me to teach sex ed to teens in Des Moines! I learn new things every day at work. I still get frustrated, at times, when I think about how much shame I was taught to feel around sex. I think about all the teens who are still being exposed to that type of education and the shame they might be feeling. I have to remind myself that I am trying my absolute best to be the difference, even if it's just for a small portion of the population. You gotta start somewhere, right?

 My hope is that one day, there won’t be anyone left to write a blog like this. That there will be no more shaming sex ed in schools and that teens will finally receive the medically accurate, inclusive education they deserve. Only then will we see teen pregnancy rates at their lowest. STI rates at their lowest. And teen dating violence at its lowest.

Obscuring Mirrors and Windows: The Effects of Book Banning

Obscuring Mirrors and Windows: The Effects of Book Banning

By Elliott Nassif, Lead Implementation Specialist

Book banning. It’s a tale as old as time. Books are mirrors that reflect back to us what our society values. When books are banned, it shows us our collective fears. When values around topics like politics, religion, education, and sex start to change, our society tends to recoil. What implications does book banning have for the futures of young people? I recently had the privilege of speaking to Christine, a high school librarian, to hear her thoughts about book banning in Iowa’s school libraries.

Elliott: What trends have you seen recently in book banning?

Christine: Book banning tends to go in waves. We haven’t had many in recent years, but the tide is turning. 

E: In Iowa and around the country, books are being banned or challenged because of themes like LGBTQ+ inclusion, racial justice, teen sexuality and sexual assault, and sometimes because of language that may be deemed “vulgar.” What strategies do librarians use to defend these topics?

C: Many times, materials are challenged when excerpts are cherry-picked from a story. Context is critical. One stipulation we have before our district’s libraries will consider a book challenge is that the material is read cover to cover. Oftentimes when that happens the reader realizes why the scene/word/objectionable material was included. 

E: What happens when a book is ultimately pulled from the shelves? Does it affect education?

C: When materials are restricted or unavailable it is the students that suffer. Not all materials are right for every student. That is the point. We are not all the same. We have different preferences, experiences and needs. Choice is key. It is the job of the librarian to provide materials that offer students a wide range of options so students can pick what is right for them.

E: What can libraries do to help prevent books from being banned?

C: One of the best things libraries can do right now is to make sure they have challenge policies in place. Facing a book challenge is inevitable. It's important to remember library materials and curriculum materials are not the same. Librarians do not require students to read all the books or even specific books. The purpose of a library is to provide a wide range of materials, so all students have windows and mirrors represented in available materials.

E: Thank you so much for sharing your insight, Christine, and thank you for all you do.

I LOVE Christine’s “windows and mirrors” metaphor. Everyone wants—and deserves—to have their stories told and to read stories about diverse experiences and worldviews. As a teen in the mid-2000s, I remember clinging to the handful of queer books in my hometown library. As an adult, I’m heartened by the wealth of books that center queer and trans characters, BIPOC characters, neurodivergent characters, and other marginalized populations.

So, what can we as educators and caretakers of young people do to make sure they see themselves in the media they consume?  

1.      Support your local library—through monetary donations, patronage, or volunteer time.

2.      Pay attention to any book challenges in your school district. Attend school board meetings and advocate for retention.

3.      Stay curious! Pick up a recently challenged book. Here are some titles:

·        All Boys Aren’t Blue by George M. Johnson

·        The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

·        Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe

Happy reading!

October is Let's Talk Month!

October is Let’s Talk Month. At EOI, we love Let’s Talk Month because it reminds us that conversations are the building blocks of sexual health!

 When we can talk about sexual health, we can normalize it. Safe, supportive conversation creates a resting place for human beings to return to when things get hard.

 But as so many of you know, there is a big difference between safe conversation and easy conversation. Especially when it comes to talking with our young people. Finding space for conversation between adults and teens can be a tricky skill to master. So many of us have felt this frustration!

 In honor of Let’s Talk Month, we thought we’d offer some tips for creating a space in which young people can open up and feel safe sharing thoughts and questions.

 The goal is never to get teens to speak every time we ask, but rather to become an “askable adult”. Being an askable adult simply means being a trusted source that young people can turn to when and if they want to chat.

 One of my favorite ways to ensure I’m an “askable adult” when it comes to sexual health and relationships is to work on becoming a safe space when the conversation isn’t centered around sex or relationships. Often, it can be easier to start there.

 As just one example, my oldest child, who is 11, has been feeling the school blues ever since school started three weeks ago. Predictably, these blues almost always come in the form of “I don’t like school!” and “I don’t want to go today!” every morning at about 7:45 before we walk out the door.

 Traditional wisdom as so many of us know from our own parents is to respond to these protestations with something like the following:

-       “I know, but it will be okay! You’ll get to see your friends.” OR

-       “You like school! You had so much fun yesterday.” OR

-       “You have to go. I have a big meeting today. Get in the car.”

 I have said every single one of these things multiple times out of panic and frustration. But over time, I have realized that such responses skip over my son’s feelings by either immediately offering a solution and/or telling him that his feelings aren’t real – or by centering my own feelings and what I have going on.

 We do this because we are panicked in the moment or because we just don’t want to DEAL. I get it. It’s so normal.

 But increasingly, I am working to engage another, more effective strategy that simply meets my son where he is – deep in his feelings. When I am in this parenting mode, I might say something like:

-       “I hear you and I believe you. Can you tell me where you are feeling this in your body?” OR

-       “I see how intense this feeling is for you every morning. Is there something I can offer you in the next minute or so – or after school – to help you deal with this pattern?” OR

-       “I’m so sorry. I know.”

 The tricky thing about kids is that they almost never come to you to talk about their feelings when they aren’t deep in the middle of said feeling. By nature, they process things as they come up (which is what a lot of adults do too, by the way!). And when you are five minutes late for school or a meeting and your child is experiencing an intense feeling, it can be hard to find the space – or patience – to work through them.

 But it helps to remember that our job as parents and caregivers is to prepare our young people for adult life, and as such, the fact that their feelings are happening in real time can be a beautiful opportunity to model how to best navigate future moments of stress.

 So we might say something like, “Being on time to my meeting isn’t super important today. I can be a few minutes late. Why don’t we sit together and breath?”

 We can take a moment to be with them in their feelings and ask them questions like, “What’s one thing you would change about school if you could?” or “Can you tell me more about it?”

And if we do actually need to be somewhere on time, we might say, “I’m so sorry that I have to leave now. But can we take some time after school to talk about this? Or a bit more time tomorrow morning if you’re struggling? I want to hear more.”

 Any response that leans toward compassion, expansiveness, and a feeling of security is what we’re aiming for here.

 Because isn’t kindness, safety, and expansiveness what we’re all searching for in moments of stress?

 The beauty is this approach is that it also allows space for us in moments of stress.

 And finally, it creates a beautiful building block for future conversations about more challenging things, like, you know, sex and relationships. Because such conversations also require space, safety, and compassion, too.

 We’d love to hear from you – what works for you to create safe spaces with your kids? Let’s talk!

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com or gail@eyesopeniowa.org.

Teaching Young Kids to Set Healthy Boundaries: a Focus on Sharing

If you spend any time at all in the modern parenting world, there is a verb you will hear over and over, usually attached to a little child’s name.

“We SHARE our toys, Brianna.”

“Finn, please share one of your trains with that little girl.”

“You need to share, Joe.”

On the surface, this seems simple enough. I mean, sharing is a nice, lovely thing to teach our children.

Right?

I don’t know.

I mean, how would you feel if, every day as you were sitting down to lunch, your boss stopped by and said, “Sarah, you need to share that sandwich with your co-workers.” Or “Jerome, please share that bowl of noodles with Kevin. Look how sad he is that he doesn’t have any.”

That would be weird. And annoying.

So this idea that we pound into our children to share, share, share is a little unsettling.

It’s unsettling because we are giving our children a very strong directive without any context whatsoever. We’re failing to give them internal decision making skills related to when to share, how much to share, and what to do when it doesn’t feel safe to share, etc.

Instead, we’re giving them the blanket notion that if they don’t want to share, it makes them bad.

This can have so many outcomes, many of which we perhaps never intended:

· Adults who have a hard time saying no to others.

· Children who rebel and don’t want to share anything.

· Endless amounts of guilt around whether we are doing enough in and for the world.

· The inability of teens and young adults and adults to say no in sexual relationships.

My intent is not to be reductionist in this area. I know that the above issues have many causes. But what we teach our children about sharing does play a role.

As a parent of three young kids, I’m still learning as I go. But here are some ideas about what we can do instead of insisting that sharing is the gold standard about 500 times a day:

1. First and foremost, back up a little.

At a local play space we frequent, it is not uncommon to see five kids playing at a train table and then at least two parents hovering over the table, narrating their child’s every move (“Caleb, we share our trains with the other kids.” “Samantha, move over to give that boy some space.” “No, Mason, that’s not yours.” blah blah blah.)

Two things about this:

a) This type of behavior can make kids incredibly anxious. To understand this, simply imagine someone hovering over your shoulder and talking to you like that all the time.

b) When we stand back and let kids negotiate something like a train table themselves, they actually really do figure it out most of the time. When left to their own devices, children naturally learn to navigate the world as it exists for so many adults.

They learn how to handle it when others don’t share (e.g., children will often walk away and find something else to do), how to ask for things from other people, and how to decide when and with whom they want to share. For most kids, when left uninterrupted, these things are no big deal and help build some great decision making and boundary setting skills.

So perhaps, if we only do one thing, we can learn to give our children a little more space to figure it out on their own.

2. When we have more than one child, we can stop encouraging them to share everything with each other. Especially, again, when their natural inclination is to give everything all the time.

The other day, my child who is a natural giver was eating a sandwich. Her brother wanted some. Because I was tired and didn’t feel like listening to an argument, I said, “Come on, just share some.” She looked and me and yelled, “But I don’t want to share!”

Message received. She was eating her sandwich and I was asking her to share in order to make my life easier. Not really the best teaching on my part.

We can also respect this instinct in younger, pre-verbal children when they don’t want to share. Instead of teaching them that they are bad for having this instinct, we can realize that very often, they are picking up on and rejecting our manic energy about why we need them to share (so other people don’t think we are bad parents, so we don’t feel awkward around our friends and their kids, etc.)

Smart kids. We really could learn from them.

3. We can talk to our children, when they are old enough to understand, about how to make decisions around sharing. We can talk to them about when they feel the urge to share and when they do not and how to manage other people’s disappointment or frustration.

We can talk to them about the importance of staying in their own lane – if Damian and his mom are having a disagreement about what he can bring to school for lunch (he wants chips, mom packs carrots), we can teach our children that it is not their business to get involved and fix that for Damian by giving him our chips. Especially when we love our chips.

Also – and this is so important – we can talk to them about what to do when it does not feel safe to share. Doing so is a key building block for so many things that keep us healthy as adults, not the least of which is maintaining healthy physical boundaries, which can help preserve our energy, prevent sexual assault, abuse, etc.

At EyesOpenIowa, we know the importance of teaching young people boundaries in sex education programs. And we know that many of you do, as well. We can help expand this beyond the classroom by talking about the concept of sharing with our kids and with our friends, in order to change the narrative around this important issue.

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com.

New Year's Resolutions

Here we are again, the in the land of New Year’s resolutions.

Losing the (Quarantine) Weight.

Eating Healthier

Sticking to a Budget

Being a Better Person (whatever that means…we’ve done it too)

And yet, every year, it’s easy to track that after the initial hype, we’re all sort of over New Year’s resolutions by January 6th or so.

Many of us work with young people to help build their self-esteem. This work is critical and can be so rewarding. But it is equally important to keep track of and nurture our own relationship to ourselves as adults.

Usually, New Year’s resolutions are a thinly veiled mechanism for telling ourselves we are not enough and need to be BETTER.

This year, in addition to/instead of reliving the typical New Years resolution cycle, we offer you the following strategy for learning more about yourself and finding greater freedom within:

Step one: Pick one of your resolutions. For instance, “I want to lose 10 pounds” (a familiar one to many of us).

Step two: Instead of immediately proceeding headlong into an almost-sure-to-eventually-fail cycle of diet deprivation and positive/negative self-talk, try first asking yourself, “why do I want to lose 10 pounds?”

Common answers include, “to feel lighter, to feel as though I have more energy, to feel better about myself.” Sit with the question until you find one that feels the most true for you.

Step three: Pick your answer/one of your answers and make a list of all the ways and places in your life that this statement isn’t true – outside of weight concerns.

So, for example, if your reason was, “I want to feel lighter”, make a list of all the places in your life that feel heavy:

“I feel really bogged down at work with projects I keep saying yes to but don’t want to do” or

“I feel the weight of friendships or family relationships that don’t give to me as much as I give to them” or

“The grief I feel from having lost my mother feels like a weight in the middle of my chest.”

Step four: Decide to take a step to heal one of these places. For example, seeking therapy to work on why you constantly find yourself in relationships where you give, but don’t get, very much. Or to process grief. Or to examine your patterns at work.

It doesn’t mean we can’t carry on with weight loss or self-improvement. But doing this deeper work is the only thing that can provide the kind of freedom we seek in making New Year’s resolutions in the first place.

Wishing us all love and a little more lightness in 2021. And let’s go easy on ourselves – we survived 2020, which is no small feat on its own.

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com.

Dating While Social Distancing: How to Maintain a Healthy (and Fun) Relationship

By: Tricia Ingram Williams, Training Specialist

Let’s admit it; this whole social distancing thing can be a little stressful. There’s school-work to do, siblings and parents to tolerate at all hours of the day, and friendships to maintain. On top of all of that, some teenagers are also trying to continue a relationship with their significant other.

Dating is hard enough when you see your significant other (SO) at school 5-days a week. How the heck are teens supposed to keep their relationship happy and healthy when they can’t even meet up with their partner in person?

Below are five tips to help you maintain a healthy relationship with your SO while social distancing (and even a few social distancing date ideas).

Set boundaries. Since most of us are stuck at home right now, we’re spending more time than ever on our phones and other devices. This makes it tempting to text your romantic interest at all hours of the day (and night). But it’s important to spend time away from all those screens. Set boundaries with your partner about how often you’ll be in communication, so that you have plenty of time to focus on your school-work, exercise outside, spend quality time with your family, and get plenty of rest.

Respect boundaries. If your SO sets boundaries about how often they’d like to talk, be sure to respect those! You can’t expect your partner to always respond to your text immediately, even if they did just post on Snapchat.

Have a robust support system. Quick! Write a list of 5 people that you enjoy talking to. This list could include your best friend, a parent or other family member, a teacher; whoever you feel like you can rely on and trust. Now make it a goal to reach out to each of these people at least once this week. Sometimes we can rely too much on our significant other to be our best friend, romantic interest, therapist, and comedian all in one! This can put too much pressure on one person, and that’s not fair. Instead, it’s important to have a handful of people in our life that we can talk to about significant things, especially during stressful times (like a global pandemic).

Make informed choices about virtual sexual behavior. Since you can’t be with your boyfriend or girlfriend in person, you might want to be sexual in socially distant ways. While sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s important to learn about the potential positives and negatives of virtual sexual behavior (like sexting). For more information on sexting and its potential legal ramifications, check out Eyes Open Iowa’s blog post, “New Rules of the Digital Age - Sexting.”

Keep social distancing. The longer this pandemic goes on, the more likely it is that you will begin to feel “quarantine fatigue.” You may have noticed that your determination to maintain social distancing has waned in the past week or two, and you may be tempted to meet up with your SO in person. But it is so important that you continue to social distance, wear a mask in public, and stay home when possible. If you don’t want to get sick and you don’t want your SO to get sick, be sure to keep social distancing!

Even though social distancing means that you can’t be with you partner in person, it’s doesn’t mean that you can’t have some awesome date nights! Here are a few social distancing date ideas:

• Pick out a recipe and cook the same meal from your respective kitchens while FaceTiming. You could even make it a competition (who’s meal looks the best at the end)! Then sit down and enjoy the fruits of your labor

. • Use Netflix Party (or a similar website) to watch a show or movie together and chat throughout.

• Have a scavenger hunt for the most random objects you can find in your house. Set a time limit, and when the time is up show each other what you were able to find!

What other social distancing date ideas do you have? Comment below to let us know!

5 Ways to Improve Communication With Your Teen

by Danielle Miller Hajdini, LCSW

It’s difficult to compete for your teen’s attention in the modern world. Not only are parents up against the old regulars - social circles, homework, job responsibilities and extracurricular activities, now they must contend with the entire world wide web and it’s wild sister, social media! And let me tell you that sister is trouble! So many of us are left to wonder how we can communicate with our children in a fashion that leaves both parties feeling heard and valued. As a child and adolescent therapist, I’ve learned a few ideas that allow parents the opportunity to build a solid foundation of healthy communication with their adolescent.

Lead with the truth. Many times parents avoid truthful conversations with their children out of a desire to protect them. I caution against this as children are much more perceptive to other’s feelings than we give them credit for. They are always paying attention and picking up on even the smallest of comments and behaviors. If we don’t tell the truth to our kiddos then it leaves them to make up their own stories in their head and those stories can sometimes be much worse than the truth. No one wants their children to experience undue anxiety. Not to mention, if our kids know they can come to us with the difficult questions in life and we will be open and truthful, it will build a sense of safety and connection in our relationship that will last a lifetime. Everyone benefits from the truth!

Use active listening. Active listening is a term often used in therapy. It involves a high level of engagement upon your part. Giving you the opportunity to act as a sounding board, active listening builds validation for your teen and as a result he/she is much more likely to keep talking. Kids always hope their parents are actively listening and you can show them you are by doing the following:

● Put away cell phones or any other distractions

● Make and hold eye contact

● Withhold interruptions, judgement, advice and attempt to remain neutral

● Ask questions for clarification

● Smile, lean in - show you are interested

● Be absolutely present in the moment

Emphasize connection. The more you connect with your children through healthy conversation the less correction you will need. Teens who feel secure in their relationship with their parents will feel less of a need to rebel or act out (even though this can sometimes be a normal part of adolescence.) Isn’t that what we all want? Connection equates to quality time spent together in the present moment. How you spend your quality time is up to you: it could be going to lunch on the weekend or spending an extra 10 minutes together at night talking about their day. Agenda-free presence is all it requires.

Pay attention to the small things. Our kids will come to us for countless reasons throughout their lives. Something I think every parent wants. I recommend trying your best to field those small questions, concerns and comments with as much time and respect as you do with the big moments in life. If kids know they can come to you about a game they are playing or a sandwich they are eating and you will give your full attention and care no matter how trivial the topic, they are much more likely to come to you if they have questions about the big things in life like healthy relationships, problems with friends or thoughts and feelings of depression and anxiety.

Don’t assume the worst. Teenagers get a bad rap. They have a reputation that many times or most of the time (if I am being honest) precedes them- selfish, overly emotional, lazy, disrespectful and combative. You name it. As a therapist, I have heard it. While it may be true at times, the same can be said about adults. Parents have their problematic days too. If we are going to be forgiving of our own poor behavior, we should be forgiving of our teen’s questionable choices as well. We all have good days and bad days. Teens are exploring, learning and making mistakes. It doesn’t mean they don’t want our support, our concern, and our attention to help them navigate the difficulties. They beg us to love them through sometimes the ugliest of behaviors. They aren’t awful teens. They are simply people like us who are craving connection, validation and acceptance.

It’s up to us to guide our teens and support them even on their worst days. As parents we have the opportunity to take the lead and improve communication with our young people. If we practice these skills consistently, we will build relationships with our children that are overflowing with love, honesty and mutual respect.

Guest Blogger - Danielle Miller Hajdini, LCSW is the founder of Family Mind Wellness. A psychotherapist based in Atlanta, Georgia, she specializes in the holistic treatment and prevention of anxiety disorders. As a consultant, speaker and educator, she works to help families everywhere make the connection between mental wellness and healthy lifestyle choices. For more like this, visit Family Mind Wellness on Facebook

It's Never too Early to Talk About Consent

Parents can find a wealth of information about caring for their young children. One area of information, however, is often overlooked: Sex education. Including consent. This absence may be because we as a society are not comfortable talking about sexuality and consent in general, let alone thinking about it as important for young children.

However, experts say that talking about sexuality and modelling consent early in a child's life can have a lifelong positive impact. Age-appropriate sexuality and consent education may help prevent sexual violence or help children and teens to talk about it. This awareness may increase the chances of older children and teens developing healthy relationships and recognizing harmful ones.

Fortunately, there is a growing library of guidance available for parents of young children. Here are some tips for starting the consent conversation with young children:

Start with these simple steps!

• Show toddlers and young children that they have control over their body: ·

Parents and caregivers can model consent by asking young children if it’s ok to give them a hug. · Adults can also ask young children how they would like to greet relatives, rather than forcing children to “give auntie a hug.” · Caregivers can talk with children about the importance of listening to their “tummy.”. Affirm children's feelings when they say something feels “icky.”

• Demonstrate that it is safe to talk about sexuality: ·

Parents and caregivers can begin teaching children at a very young age the correct terms for their body parts. · Adults can read age-appropriate stories or watch videos that include correct terms for body parts and model healthy friendships. Parents and caregivers can build these steps into daily life with their young children and, eventually, it will become part of the normal routine. As children grow older they will be able to build on these steps with greater understanding of their bodies and relationships.

Resources for age-appropriate consent:

Iowa Coalition Against Sexual Assault, Partners for Prevention project, blog posts, information and resources for talking about consent with all ages of children.

Amaze Junior: video clips starting for age 4, coloring books, and other resources.

Question: How hard can it be to teach sex ed?

By Shari Stucker, Director of Programs

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Answer: Hard.

It can be easy to think that anyone could just step into a classroom with a curriculum and teach sex education. After all, it’s really just puberty and reproduction! But that’s not all sex education is.

At its start, sexual health education did focus primarily on puberty and reproduction, however, the field has evolved over the decades to a much broader understanding of what is needed to be effective for teens. With such a changing field, it can be difficult for schools, educators, and teachers to know what is needed in order to provide the most impactful education. At the same time, it is crucial that teachers and educators feel well equipped to provide this education.

To help schools and educators assess their sex education programming, the Sex Education Collaborative (SEC), has developed the Professional Learning Standards for Sex Education (PLSSE). The SEC is a group of fourteen national, regional, and state-based organizations with extensive experience training educators to teach school-based sex education.*

The SEC developed the PLSSE in part because teaching sex education is unique from other topics. In addition to content knowledge, educators must be able to navigate the wide spectrum of beliefs and experiences held by students, families and communities. Educators must accomplish this while also maintaining a safe and inclusive environment for all students.

The PLSSE contain the most up-to-date and best practice guidance for schools and classroom educators about content, skills, and professional disposition needed to provide effective sexual health education for K-12 students. These standards provide guidelines about what is crucial for effective sexual health education including: values, conscious and unconscious bias awareness, LGBTQ inclusivity, and the ability to answer sensitive or challenging questions.

EyesOpenIowa staff is available to talk with educators, teachers, and schools about the PLSSE and what is most needed for effective sexual health education. EOI’s trainings are also aligned with these new standards and goals and designed to be supportive and informational for new and veteran educators. EOI encourages educators and teachers to review all the PLSSE materials to help determine their own comfort and confidence levels.

*The SEC membership: Advocates for Youth, Answer, Cardea, dfusion, Elizabeth Schroeder Consulting, ETR, EyesOpenIowa, GCAPP, Healthy Teen Network, MOASH, Planned Parenthood, South Carolina Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, SIECUS, SHIFT NC.

Beyond the Birds and the Bees Part 2: Sex Ed Promotes Student Health

By Kirsten Brown, WISE Program Manager

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When it comes to academic achievement at school, there are multiple factors that impact and influence student outcomes – though my guess is that sex education wouldn’t be the first factor most people think of when developing a list of strategies to help students succeed. However, we know that student health is essential because research has shown time and again that healthy kids do better in school.

And sex ed programs definitely play a critical role in teaching students health literacy skills and promoting healthy behaviors! In fact, there’s over 30 years worth of research showing that sex ed programs that teach comprehensive topics lead to greater health outcomes for young people (for a refresh on those comprehensive topics, check out my previous post Beyond the Birds and the Bess Part 1 😊).

Study after study has found that when students are provided with information about their bodies, condoms, contraception, relationships, etc. – it helps them to make informed decisions for themselves and in their relationships with other people. As I mentioned in Part 1, sometimes people fear that if we teach young people sex ed, then students are suddenly going to get the idea to have sex…but what we actually see through research is that sex ed helps:

• Delay the onset of sexual activity (aka young people wait longer to have sex for the first time)

• Reduce the frequency of sexual activity among young people (since many young people wait longer to have sex for the first time and students who’ve been sexually active return to abstinence)

• Reduce the number of sexual partners that young people who are sexually active have

Additionally, studies show that when young people who receive sex ed do begin engaging in sexual activities, they use condoms and contraceptives at higher rates than peers who didn’t receive comprehensive programming.

What’s so awesome is that ALL of these findings enhance student health by protecting against unintended sexual health outcomes like unintended pregnancies or sexually transmitted infections (STIs) – therefore helping to promote academic achievement!

I also think it’s really important to recognize that school-based sex ed helps to address health disparities by providing young people with essential health information. When we teach sex ed universally at school, we’re ensuring that all students receive the same, medically-accurate health information – regardless of whether or not they have health insurance, transportation to get to a health clinic, etc. Sex ed is also inclusive and affirming of all youth, with LGBTQ+ relationships and topics represented in lesson activities – so students who identify as LGBTQ+ are also supported and receiving health information that’s relevant to their lives.

Plus, sex ed builds young people’s health literacy skills because students learn:

• How to identify reliable sources of information

• How to access health resources in their communities

• What to expect when they go to a doctor’s appointment

• Communication skills so they feel more confident in asking doctors and nurses questions

• How to ask for help from healthcare providers and other trusted adults if they are feeling uncomfortable or unsafe

Again, all of which help promote student health 😊

So next time your school community starts talking about strategies to improve student achievement, highlight the connection between student health and academic achievement AND make sure that sex ed programming is part of the discussion!

Beyond the Birds and the Bees Part 1 – SO What Exactly is Sex Ed?

By Kirsten Brown, WISE Program Manager

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As a Social Worker, it’s often an interesting experience to meet someone new and answer the inevitable “So what do you do” question. People’s reactions can vary from “That’s awesome!” to “I could never do what you do”, so you’re never really sure what to expect. And now that I’m a Social Worker who works in K-12 Sex Education, my “So what do you do” interactions are a bit more unpredictable 😊

In some ways, I do get where people are coming from. The Social Work profession is incredibly diverse and my fellow Social Workers are doing phenomenal work making change in their communities through a variety of positions across the country and globe! But unless you have worked with or know someone who is a Social Worker, the only context many people have of what Social Workers do is based on depictions they see in movies/on TV – which typically only focuses on Child Protection and usually isn’t super accurate. (To learn more about what Social Workers do, the National Association of Social Workers and the International Federation of Social Workers are good places to check out).

And I’ve discovered the same goes for Sex Education. When people hear the term “sex ed”, it can conjure up an array of feelings and connotations based their own experiences at school – some positive and sadly some negative. Some folks received amazing sex ed at school and had fantastic conversations with their parents/caregivers about it too – WHICH IS WONDERFUL!!! Unfortunately, others’ experience with sex ed was more of the “You Will Get Pregnant and Die” variety or simply didn’t happen at all (FYI not all states require sex ed to be taught and some parents/caregivers also avoid talking about it). Of course, the endless sex ed references in pop culture also add fuel to the mix-of-emotions-fire (cue all the teen movie scenes featuring so. much. produce or bumbling caregivers having “the Talk”), making it seem like sex ed is just a ridiculously awkward punchline.

So, I figured we could have a conversation over the course of a few blog posts about what exactly sex ed is, because it’s so much more than people often think 😊 I’m going to be particularly looking at the programming offered in schools and highlighting how it helps students to learn about themselves and their bodies; celebrate difference and show respect to others; develop safe and healthy relationships; make healthy and informed decisions; and how sex ed contributes to an overall improved school climate!

Sex Education Means…

For me, it always helps to start with definitions. The Future of Sex Education (FOSE) – which is a coalition of major national sexual health organizations – defines Sex Ed as “the provision of information about bodily development, sex, sexuality, & relationships, along with skills-building to help young people communicate about & make informed decisions regarding sex & their sexual health. Sex education should occur throughout a student’s grade levels, with medically-accurate information appropriate to students’ development & cultural background.”

Therefore, sex ed is something students really should be learning throughout their entire academic careers, rather than just a 1-day conversation 😊

Additionally, in order for a program to be called sex ed, instruction should also be provided on the following topics:

1. Puberty & adolescent development

2. Anatomy & physiology

3. Pregnancy & reproduction

4. Abstinence, contraception, & condoms  

5. Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) & HIV

6. Healthy relationships

7. Safety & sexual violence prevention

8. Gender identity

9. Sexual orientation

What’s so cool is that all this essential health information is taught in a way that’s age-appropriate for students’ development and is medically-accurate!

Interestingly, the first 5 topics listed above are typically what most people think about as being sex ed…but all 9 topics are actually what makes up programming that’s highly effective! In fact, there’s over 30 years of research showing that when students are provided with all this info it helps them to make healthy and informed decisions for themselves and in the relationships they have with other people (or may have some day).

Now, remember that mix-of-emotions-fire that can happen when people hear “sex ed”? Well, fear is definitely one of them. A super common fear that some people have is that if you teach students sex ed, then students are suddenly going to get the idea to have sex. Or if sex ed programming is talked about in elementary schools, some folks immediately channel their best scream emoji – not realizing that the sex ed lessons taught in elementary grades are 1) developmentally appropriate and 2) focus mostly on building students’ social and personal safety skills (and I promise, we’ll talk more about this in a future post 😊).

And WOWZA - fear can be a really challenging emotion to work through! Because we want young people to be safe, healthy, and happy AND we want to ensure the education they receive will help them be all of those things. But here’s the good news – the research on sex ed actually shows that when young people learn about these comprehensive topics, they experience greater health AND academic outcomes overall! YAY!!

So now that we’ve covered the definition of sex ed and the topics that are covered, be sure o tune in for Beyond the Birds and the Bees Part 2, where we’ll chat more specifically about the amazing health and academic outcomes students experience when they receive sex ed!

Forget the Talk – It’s An Ongoing Conversation!

By Gail Cowan, Director of Development

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I’m trying to figure out who first came up with the idea that we should handle the education of our kids around sex and relationships through one conversation (“The Talk”) at some point between the ages of 12 and 16.

If I were less lazy, I suppose I could spend some time on Google to figure this out. But I’m not, so I’ll just say that, with all due respect to the inventor of The Talk, it was a horrible idea.

Consider what would happen if we applied The Talk to other information we’d like to impart to our children. Such as car maintenance.

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Parent [nervously introduces topic]: So, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something.

Teen [to self]: Uh oh.

Adult: Your mom and I were talking, and you know, you’re getting to the age where you can drive, so we thought it might be a good idea to [clears throat], you know, have a conversation about it.

Teen [still talking to self]: Please make it stop. Why do they have to be so AWKWARD about everything? It’s a car. Everyone at school already knows about cars. We’ve been talking about them for years. Why don’t they understand this?

Adult: So, um, we wanted to say that, someday you’re going to have to drive on your own, but you know, for now, we just really think you should avoid driving. [Avoids eye contact, clears throat again]. But you know, if you do, just whatever you do, DO NOT GET IN AN ACCIDENT.

Teen:

Adult: Ok?

Teen [backing out of room]: Okay.

Adult: Alright. Good talk.

Teen [mumbles something and escapes].

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Such a scenario is fairly ridiculous, yes? And while I understand that cars and sex are two different things, as parents and caregivers, we seem to too often lose the basics of common sense and information sharing when it comes to sex. Because, well, it’s sex.

And I get it, it’s a big topic.

One of the things that has helped me to deal with such a big topic is to think about breaking it down into education that spans many years – little moments that are easier to digest but set the stage for more open and honest conversation about sexual health and relationships.

You know, just as you do with cars.

For example, my 7-year-old recently asked me the difference between the gas pedal and the brake pedal. I did not immediately flush and stammer and try to change the subject. I simply answered the question.

We can learn to do the same for questions that all children inevitably have about bodies when they are younger. Or where babies come from.

We can learn to answer questions about male anatomy and female anatomy. To use words like penis and vagina and vulva and anus.

Because these are parts of our bodies. Of their bodies. Of the world.

And most importantly, when we can learn to create safe spaces for their smaller questions, we automatically start building a solid foundation for the larger questions to come. Which can make all the difference as our children grow.

Coming next: More tools for building this foundation with children, plus how to create safe spaces with older children if you fear you are getting a late start (hint: it’s never too late!).

Saying No to Mission Creep

By Shari Stucker, Director of Programs

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One of the first tasks of a nonprofit board and staff is to develop a mission statement. The development of a mission statement is crucial to providing the nonprofit with a strong sense of purpose. It is good practice for a nonprofit to continually review programs and goals to make sure they are aligning with the mission statement.

It is difficult to adhere to a mission though! In today’s nonprofit world there is increasing competition for funds while the amount of funds available in some fields is decreasing. It can be tempting for a nonprofit to go outside its mission statement to “chase the money,” either to keep the agency afloat or to be seen as a large capacity agency.

While funding is critical, it is even more important for a nonprofit to say “no” to potential opportunities that stray far from its intended mission. “Mission creep” is the nonprofit term for seeking funds or programming that go outside the original mission. Mission creep can lead to unforeseen and sometimes negative consequences. (Mission creep is different from a nonprofit’s strategic adaptation of a mission or goals which needs to be done on a regular basis.)

Mission creep can lead to the following:

• Inability of staff and board to clearly articulate the mission of the organization to potential funders, donors, and stakeholders;

• Questions from funders and donors about the mission;

• Agency staff having to work in a field outside their expertise and often without training or experience;

• Stretching of staff resources in attempts to manage multiple programs in varying fields with varying requirements.

All of the above can significantly negatively impact the ability of staff and board to carry out all its programs, including those within its mission, effectively.

As daunting as it may seem sometimes, there are many positives for a nonprofit that adheres to its mission:

• Staff and board can easily articulate the purpose with knowledge and passion;

• Fundraising is easier when the mission and programs align;

• A strong sense of purpose strengthens staff and board;

• Mission focus allows staff, board, and stakeholders to explore other methods to achieve its mission. These methods lead to an expansion of the nonprofit’s network of support.

Finally, many donors, funders, and stakeholders are supportive of a nonprofit that makes the hard decision to stay with its mission. It is exceedingly difficult for a nonprofit to make the decision to not “chase funds,” however, the return on that decision is an engaged and committed staff and board, renewed support by donors and funders, and expanded support and awareness of the nonprofit’s mission.

Is Human Trafficking A Real Threat?

By Kristin Fairholm, Executive Director

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We have all read the headlines and they scream with frightening tales of abduction, enslavement and violence.  Mothers whisper in semicircles around school parking lots of midday kidnappings at our local department stores.  Girls hover innocently in small packs over the glare of their phones while we as parents question and clutch to their hemlines.  Is it possible that sexual enslavement is a reality in the rolling hills of Iowa?  Can the internet bring criminals to our front porch?  Are our girls safe nowhere? 

EyesOpenIowa wants to inform and protect the children and families of our state.  Our allegiance goes beyond comprehensive sex education. We are most interested in prevention;  the prevention of ill outcomes for young women.  Our only weapon against violence: EDUCATION.

Human Trafficking is defined by the National Human Trafficking Hotline as “a form of modern-day slavery in which traffickers use force, fraud, or coercion to control victims for the purpose of engaging in commercial sex acts or labor services against his/her will.”

Approximately 100,000 individuals are trafficked in the United States every year with 10,000 reports being child sex trafficking.  It is a $150 billion industry worldwide.

What we know about human trafficking in the state of Iowa:

●      We have a total of 385 trafficking victims since 2007.

●      74 cases of human trafficking were reported in 2017.

●      The average customer that victims see per day is 15.

●      30% of buyers of human traffickers are married couples.

●      50% of pimps and traffickers are female.

●      It is easier to traffic in a small town than a big town.

●      Risk factors: relocation/migration, substance abuse, runaway/homeless youth, mental health concerns and involvement in the child welfare system.

Numbers are increasing yearly for human trafficking.  This is how we can help prevent the crime in our communities:

●      Education/Communication:  Talk to your friends, family and children about human trafficking.  The more people know - the safer we will all be.

●      Pay Attention To Your Surroundings:  If you see a young girl out in the middle of a school day - Question it.  If something seems out of the norm - Report it.  It doesn’t matter if you are near an airport, a massage parlor, nail salon or small farm - Take Action.  You will never - Regret it. (You can dial 911 or the National Hotline: 1-888-373-7888)

●      Be Involved In Your Child’s Life: Children who come from healthy households are much less likely to be the victims of human trafficking.  Ask questions. Listen actively.  Know their daily schedules. (Victimization typically occurs during after school hours from 3pm - 6pm and from 4am - 8am) Know their friends and partners. 

●      Monitor Social Media:  There are 12,000 daily ads on social media aimed at targeting our children.  Limit screen time and when they do use technology make sure your children know about appropriate boundaries and internet safety.

It is not healthy to live in a state of fear. We can rest well at night knowing that the threat of human trafficking in our lives is an unlikely one.  However, as adults we owe it to our children to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Educating ourselves and then our children about the world in which we live in only serves to prepare them for the reality that awaits outside our front door.  We will all be healthier and happier when we realize prevention in the form of education is not only necessary for the well-being of our own children but for all children in the state of Iowa. 

To learn more about human trafficking, please visit www.polarisproject.org. 

In Iowa, http://www.endslaverynow.org/braking-traffik and https://www.yss.org/program/teens-against-human-trafficking/

Redefining The MeToo Movement To Address Child And Adolescent Sexual Violence

The Rise Of The MeToo K-12 Movement

By Kristin Fairholm, Executive Director

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Let’s talk about sexual violence, shall we?  The MeToo movement is a firestorm of advocacy and accusations over abuse we have all known has existed long before the birth of the internet. It is the latest talking point for broadcasters and social media influencers.  A point of contention and confusion between men and women.  Honestly, there is nothing new about any of it except our current willingness to finally admit it has gone on too long. 

What started with a conversation for adults around the topic of sexual assault and harassment has transitioned to a more inclusive narrative for our young people. A dialogue is evolving that understands there is a spectrum at play - one that begins with subtle sexual jokes and ends with the normalization of sexual violence.  And the fuzzy line of adult consent we all seem so baffled with did not magically draw itself at the age of eighteen.  Rather our boundaries took shape in childhood and adolescence when we first began to navigate our cumbersome social and emotional development.

Understanding we must go back to childhood, the national nonprofit, Stop Sexual Assault in Schools, created the hashtag #MeTooK12 in an effort to promote awareness and inspire action to combat pervasive sexual harassment and sexual violence in K-12 schools across our country.  More than half of all school children have been sexually harassed with some reports revealing the number is closer to 80% in grades 8-11. 

Our children must learn new boundaries.  Consent must be concrete - a line of physical and emotional safety so clear one is never left to question its ambiguity.  Sexual stereotypes, inappropriate touching, harassing language, victim blaming should be as unaccepted in our modern culture as the imagery of brutal physical violations.  Most behavior begins as a seed.  If we abhor seemingly slight violations we will hopefully never climb the mountain of abuse.  It will be lost in the valley. 

As a parent and a social worker, it saddens me to see young schoolgirls and schoolboys disclose their personal violations for a cause as if it is the only way to bring validation to their pain. Minors should not feel socially pressured to share their private moments of abuse.  Disclosure is a double-edged sword. I support the advocacy and awareness of the movement while I find we may be violating the violated without their complete understanding.  

In order to make #MeTooK12 a valuable part of our history, we must begin teaching our children and teens today.

 1. Teach Body Autonomy: It means your children have control over their own bodies. He/she gets to decide how and when to use his/her body. (Example: No, I don’t want to hug grandma goodbye)  And just as importantly, your child doesn’t have the right to use someone else’s body without their full consent.

2. Teach No Means No: Make it clear and concise. If children know they can’t negotiate a boundary they won’t look to bend it. No means no and this can begin as early as your child can speak. Consent should not be limited to sexual activity.  

3. Do Not Minimize Inappropriate Behavior:  Hold your children accountable for their own behavior. Accountability runs hand in hand with accepting and understanding when they have crossed a line.

4. Teach Appropriate Social Skills: Encourage play dates for small children and hang out time for adolescents.  The more time children have to interact with their friends and peers the more they will be adept at learning the nuances of body language and facial expressions.  Screen time is not social time.

5. Teach Self-Respect: People who respect themselves never allow others to break down their boundaries and will feel confident in reporting any violation that may occur.  On the flipside, individuals with self-respect do not seek to devalue others.  

We cannot forget the concept of consent and the notion of boundaries first takes its shape in child and adolescent normative development.  Teach our children correctly and they will grow into adults who operate in a world of clarity about sexual harassment, violence and violations. Every girl and boy deserves the chance to flourish in a safe environment that values and respects his/her gender.  Listen actively to your children.  Be present.  Allow them to come to you with their questions or concerns no matter how small.  Your availability and willingness to role model appropriate behavior is helping them to navigate the path that will lead them to adulthood.  One that I hope never includes a #MeTooMovement because its need became hashtag #Obsolete.

How Comprehensive Sex Education Prevents Sexual Abuse

By Kristin Fairholm, Executive Director

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We would all like our children to live in a bubble, wouldn’t we?  An impenetrable plastic that protects our little ones and teens from the difficulties and sometimes tragedies of being human.  But we have to face real life. And with reality comes the possibility of harm and danger. Knowing we live in a world that makes no promises, we must equip our children with the best suit of armor available: EDUCATION.

When it comes to the topic of sexual abuse we may all feel a little nervous and uncomfortable. That’s okay. It is a difficult topic. However, we must press on and confront the stark nature of sexual abuse because it is quietly pervasive in its reach.  Sexual abuse prefers silence and secrets. As a parent I would want to know the facts in an effort to stop the abuse. So here I am sharing them with you today. According to recent studies the following is known to be true:

• About 1 in 7 girls and 1 in 25 boys will be sexually abused by their 18th birthday.
• Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under. Youth have higher rates of sexual assault victimization than do adults. In 2000, the rate for youth aged 12 to 17 was 2.3 times higher than for adults.
• More than 90% of children who are victims of sexual abuse know their abuser.
• As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more powerful children.
• Children who live in rural areas are almost two times more likely to be identified as victims of child sexual abuse.
• 45% of pregnant teens report a history of child sexual abuse.
• Males who are sexually abused are more likely than their non-abused peers to impregnate a teen. In fact, several studies indicate that the sexual abuse of boys is a stronger risk factor for teen pregnancy than the sexual abuse of girls.

While the statistics are frightening, comprehensive sex education gives us an effective tool to combat the deafening silence that abuse so loves.  

How do we as parents, teachers and community leaders educate our children to prevent sexual abuse?
 

1. Teach Our Children The Proper Names Of Their Body Parts: You can begin this as early as 18 months old. It is just as important to know the name of your vagina or penis as it is to know your elbow or nose. If your children have a correct name for their body parts they will be able to tell you if someone has inappropriately touched those same areas.
    
2. Teach Good Touch/Bad Touch:  Learning the difference between good touch and bad touch is an excellent starting point for small children. It helps them identify the differences between what is acceptable and what is not.  A child who does not know whether or not someone should be allowed to touch their breasts or buttock will not be able to tell you that he/she has in fact been abused.
    
3. Model And Discuss Healthy Relationships:  Show your child what a safe and healthy relationship looks like by modeling it for them on a daily basis. If you engage in an abusive, threatening or submissive relationship, your child will expect such in their own relationship. Discuss verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse at age-appropriate levels. Start early and talk often.
    
4. Honor A Child’s Right To Privacy And Personal Boundaries:  Never push a child to hug another child or adult even if that adult is grandma or grandpa. Teach them their body is their own.  Do not take pictures of your child changing, bathing, or potty training and post to social media. Children must learn their bodies are not for public consumption no matter the intention.  Remind your child they should ask for permission before hugging other children.  Everyone deserves to have their own boundaries met.
    
5. Make Sure Your Child Receives Comprehensive Sex Education:  If your child or student does not receive this information at school, act to ensure comprehensive sex education gets the support and funding it needs. Start with EyesOpenIowa as a resource for your family and community.
    
6. Educate Yourself: Use EyesOpenIowa as a resource to learn more about sexual education and as a starting point to other resources that may inform you about the warning signs of childhood sexual abuse and how to intervene.
    
7. Make Time For Your Child:  While it may seem obvious, connecting with your child on a daily basis is of the utmost importance in preventing abuse.  Children who are well-connected to their parents are less likely to be abused.  Know their teachers, friends and coaches.  Ask questions about their day. Remind your children repeatedly they will never get in trouble for telling the truth even about a difficult subject matter.  Open and supportive communication naturally lends itself to children who feel safe in reporting the mundane and the menacing.   

Every child deserves the right to be safe from abuse.  Reduce the risk of harm. Empower your child with comprehensive sexual education.  Safety is a decision you will never regret.