Pride Month- What Not To Do

By Bethany Snyder, Guest Blogger

June is Pride month, which means companies, brands, and organizations are breaking out their rainbow merch and calls for tolerance and acceptance.
But wait. Before you get excited and buy those rainbow shades or head out to your local Pride festival, please take these things into consideration.

It is no secret that this year has been tough for queer folks, especially those in the midwest and south. There were over 400 anti-LGBTQ bills introduced in state legislatures in 2023, mostly aimed at trans and gender-nonconforming youth – the most vulnerable of the queer community.

During Pride month, we see a lot of performative allyship, also known as “rainbow washing.” Performative allyship and rainbow washing is where those with privilege profess solidarity with a cause, but don’t engage in any meaningful action or change.

Performative allyship is putting on the rainbow shirt or or dancing at the gay club, but not using your power or privilege to actually create the conditions for or demand full equality for the LGBTQ community.

During this Pride month, avoid and look out for these signs of performative allyship – and think about how you can help create meaningful change for your LGBTQ neighbors, friends, and family members.

Businesses - before you create that rainbow merch or table at your local Pride festival, think about the role you played while the LGBTQ community was under attack. Did your business speak out? Did you offer support or resources to LGBTQ organizations?

If not, then think twice about how you can meaningfully support your local queer community. There may be a LGBTQ Business Roundtable or other group of businesses who show up and demonstrate the harmful economic impacts of discriminatory laws. You can join this group or, if there isn’t one, start conversations with your fellow business owners and leaders about how you can stand up and step up – all year, not just in June.

Additionally, make sure you are supporting your queer employees. Here are some ways to ensure workplace inclusion for your LGBTQ employees.

Organizations - it may be tempting to ask your local queer organization to provide a speaker, or table at your event, or send over information during June, but please remember – June is the busiest month for queer organizations. They are usually managing a thousand community events, managing hundreds of volunteers, and trying to keep their heads above water.

Instead, reach out later this summer and ask how you can support their work and build a meaningful collaboration. Use June to educate your community and the populations you serve about how the attacks on the queer community are harmful for the community at-large. And then think about how your organization uses its power to highlight how queer people are part of your community and worthy of love and acceptance.

Individuals - Pride is a good time! Don’t get me wrong. It’s my favorite. And I recognize it is often the only exposure straight people and families have to queer culture. But before you grab all that gay swag at Pride fest or change your Facebook pic to don a rainbow ribbon, think about how you supported the queer community this year.

Did you check in regularly with your queer friends and family, especially those in the impacted states? Did you contact your lawmakers to share your outrage at the terrible bills introduced? Did you share your disbelief with your colleagues, neighbors, friends, and family members?

If you didn’t do these things, please think twice before celebrating Pride. And pledge to take meaningful action for your queer friends and family. And, of course, donate to your state and local queer orgs.

Bethany Snyder

Founder of Snyder Strategies - https://www.snyderstrategies.me/

Launch Director for Iowa Non-Profit Alliance

April is STI Awareness Month-Kayla Matteo, Des Moines University Student Doctor

My high school sex ed class can be summed up as playing “toss the testicle” with rubber body organs. Sexual health was an awkward topic that my well-meaning health teacher seamlessly avoided — in hindsight, many would have had a difficult time rallying a class of 15-year-olds who could barely keep it together at any mention of “vagina.” One would assume that my college education would make up for the experience of only learning how to throw a curveball with a rubber testicle, but I never fully received that knowledge. Sure, we had some optional talks at the club fair's Planned Parenthood booth, but many other college students and I moved through our teenage and early adult years without foundational knowledge about sex, and the reality of the not-so-fun additions to sex: sexually transmitted infections. 

Now I find myself here in medical school, finally learning the hard facts of STI prevention that I never fully picked up in all my 20 years of education. April is STI Awareness Month, and I am determined to ensure that knowledge about STIs and how to prevent them CANNOT only be reserved for medical students. Adolescents need to be armed with such knowledge to protect themselves and others, and have confidence in advocating for their own bodies and health when the time comes. So here are some common facts and myths about STIs that I wish I knew back then during health class, and what we need others to know now.

·        Fact vs myth: Syphilis is an STI that was only prominent during the 1400s-early 1900s.

o   MYTH: In fact, right here in Iowa, there has been a huge rise in syphilis cases based on data from 20211. So how do we protect ourselves from contracting syphilis? The only way to protect yourself from syphilis is to use condoms to prevent contact with sores. However, some syphilis sores are not fully covered by condoms, and syphilis can be contracted by contacting these sores 2. The best thing to do is use condoms, and stay aware! If you’re unsure where to get condoms, don’t feel comfortable buying them, or cannot afford them, here is a condom locator that shows places to get free condoms!

·        Fact vs myth: There is a cure for syphilis.

o   FACT: A single injection of Penicillin G can cure the earlier stages of syphilis2. If you need to be treated for syphilis, wait until the sores are completely healed before having sex again, and tell your partner so they can get treatment too! 

·        Fact vs myth: You can give someone genital herpes if you perform oral sex on them with an active cold sore.

o   FACT: Oral herpes is usually caused by HSV-1 and genital herpes is usually caused by HSV-2. While these two strains of herpes prefer to hang out in different locations, they can sometimes change teams when exposed to the other location. If someone performs oral sex while having an active cold sore (aka an HSV-1 infection), it is possible for HSV-1 to pop up on the genitals. If someone has an active HSV-2 infection on the genitals, it is possible for HSV-2 to show up around the mouth 3,4.

·        Fact vs myth: You can only give someone genital herpes with an active, symptomatic infection.

o   MYTH: People can still spread herpes infections without any symptoms due to “viral shedding.” In fact, most people are infected with herpes during this asymptomatic shedding period5. Therefore, it is extremely important to keep barrier methods like condoms and dental dams in your back pocket (or wallet, whichever you prefer)!

·        Fact vs myth: If you don’t have any symptoms, you don’t have an STI.

o   MYTH: There are several STIs that can be asymptomatic, so it’s important to get tested when you are sexually active. Untreated STIs can cause infertility, chronic health problems, and more. Here are some of the most common asymptomatic STIs and possible health risks if they are left untreated, and how to prevent them 6,7.

1. STI: HPV (Human Papillomavirus)

Risks If Untreated- Cervical cancer (and others)

How to Prevent If Sexually Active-

• GET VACCINATED!

• Routine cervical cancer screening 

• Condoms

• Monogamy

• Getting tested before and after each new partner

2. STI: Chlamydia & Gonorrhea

Risks If Untreated- Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (scarring of fallopian tubes), which can lead to infertility

How to Prevent If Sexually Active-

• Condoms

• Monogamy

• Getting tested before and after each new partner

3. STI: Trichomoniasis  

Risks if Untreated: Increased risk of getting other STIs and HIV

How to Prevent if SexuallyActive:

Condoms

Monogamy

Getting tested before and after each new partner

4. STI: Herpes

Risks if Untreated: Spreading to sexual partners

How to Prevent if Sexually Active:

• Condoms

• Monogamy

• Getting tested before and after each new partner

*Keep in mind that while condoms are the most effective form of STI prevention other than abstinence, they are not 100% protective. Even though the risks are low, you could be doing everything right and still might contract an STI.

        Fact vs Myth: Having a sexual relationship is not possible if I contract an STI.

o   MYTH: There is a ton of shame and stigma associated with contracting an STI, which can often make people feel like sex in the future is out of the question. However, not only are STIs quite common, most of them are extremely manageable. For example, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis can be treated with a course of antibiotics. Herpes and HIV may be incurable, but their infectiousness can be significantly lowered with antiviral medications. It may be difficult to tell your partner about your STI status, but letting your partner know before you have sex allows both of you to make informed choices about having sex. Open and honest communication creates a safe environment for you and your partner to decide how to proceed8.

Talking about STIs can often be uncomfortable, but arming yourself with the knowledge early on can make all the difference when it comes to prevention. To learn more about STIs and how to prevent them, chat with a trusted healthcare provider — they’ve got your back.

Sources

1.  Iowa Public Health Tracking Portal, Syphilis Data, 2021. https://tracking.idph.iowa.gov/Health/Sexually-Transmitted-Diseases/Syphilis-Data

2. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Syphilis & MSM Fact Sheet, 2022. https://www.cdc.gov/std/syphilis/stdfact-msm-syphilis.htm#:~:text=Using%20latex%20condoms%20the%20right,sores%20can%20still%20transmit%20syphilis

3. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Genital Herpes Fact Sheet, 2022. https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm#:~:text=Yes.,are%20due%20to%20HSV%2D1

4. Planned Parenthood. Oral & Genital Herpes. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/herpes

5. Mount Sinai Health Library. Herpes simplex. https://www.mountsinai.org/health-library/report/herpes-simplex#:~:text=Genital%20herpes%20is%20contagious%20from,not%20present%20(asymptomatic%20shedding)

6. Michael Cackovic, MD. Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. STIs you can have with no symptoms, 2019. https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/blog/stis-without-symptoms

7. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Sexually Transmitted Infections Fact Sheets. https://www.cdc.gov/std/healthcomm/fact_sheets.htm

8. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. STI Awareness Week: Conversation Tips, 2022. https://www.cdc.gov/std/saw/pbyt/conversation.htm

I Believe Comprehensive Sex Ed Would Have Prevented My Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Here's How..

Sex Ed class is about so much more than working to prevent STIs and unintended pregnancies. Or at least it should be about more than that… If you are among the lucky ones, you may have received some information about birth control methods beyond condoms or abstinence, and maybe even a chance to put in anonymous questions at the end of class for your teacher to answer, in an honest way- hopefully.

I got none of this. I received abstinence-only education as my sex ed, and boy did that lead to some problems. Problems that I thought most certainly had to be unique to me and my life, but as I grew up I came to realize there were so many other people who had faced similar problems due to their lack of sex education. Problems like unhealthy or abusive relationships, sexual assault, depression and much more.

The thing about comprehensive sex education is, yes it talks about STIs and unintended pregnancy prevention, but it also tends to talk about consent, setting boundaries, ways to communicate your boundaries, identifying the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and even the warning signs that a relationship is or could become abusive. All these things work to prevent dating violence, abuse, sexual assault and even depression. A deeper level to all of this is talking about sexual orientation and gender identity as well. Also identifying gender stereotypes, which ties into that topic, can lead to violence in relationships. Nobody talks about or even realizes how the gender stereotypes that society has come up with, often are the main culprit in dating violence.

Let’s take this very real example from my own past relationship into consideration. I was in a heterosexual relationship, which is where gender stereotypes thrive might I add, and one day I can’t remember how the conversation got started but it turned into a conversation about who “wears the pants in the relationship”. I am joking said I assumed I did, but my argument only came from a sense that I made most decisions in the relationship when it came to meals for supper and date night activities. My sarcastic statement was met with a very serious face telling me that “he was superior and I was inferior”. I chuckled at this because I could only imagine that he was being sarcastic now too, but no matter how many times I asked if he was only joking, the answer remained the same, “I am superior.” He never wavered and to this day I still don’t know if he truly thought that or not.

Seeing it typed out in front of me, I can see now how obvious of a red flag that interaction was, and how he must have really felt the need to fit his gender stereotype that men are dominant and women are to be submissive.

But at the time of interaction, I found myself questioning if I was viewed as his equal, the way a healthy relationship should be. With that, I also find myself wondering if other couples even realize that a relationship should be viewed as equal and that no one person in the relationship is superior, no matter if one person makes more money or cooks more meals, or takes better care of the kids. To maintain a healthy relationship, it must be viewed as an equal partnership. I only realized this after I began my work as a sex educator though, who knows if I ever would have made it out of that relationship with this knowledge?

There are so many other examples I could pull from this relationship to show how truly unhealthy it was. From the belittling tone of voice used to talk to me, the constant comments about my bodily imperfections, the name callings, using my worst fears against me t win arguments, the objects that would be thrown or broken during these disagreements and so much more. All of these actions I chose to write off. I told myself that relationships take work and can be hard, that I just need to put in the effort to make it work because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. So much of what I thought a relationship was supposed to be like came from social media, TV, and my own parent’s relationship at home. I had no idea that all of these sources were pure examples of what a healthy relationship should look like. Without the knowledge, I received becoming a sexual health educator, I would never have been able to identify the unhealthy relationship I was in and the warning signs of abuse that I faced weekly.

I ended that relationship with a clearer idea of what I wanted my next relationship to be and look like. I now know that in a healthy relationship, there’s honest and open communication, where both people listen to the other and hear out what they have to say. There’s no one telling you they don’t care about what you have to say or tell you that your opinion doesn’t matter. I learned from sex education that in a healthy relationship, you are a team, equals, and no one is above the other getting to boss them around. I also learned that frequently arguing or throwing/breaking things during an argument is a warning sign of abuse. I often wonder what may have happened in the relationship if I had allowed it to continue. I found myself frustrated that I didn’t have the information sooner. I felt like if I had learned about all of this in middle school or high school, it would have saved me from all the emotional and mental abuse that I went through in the relationship. I desperately wanted to go back in time and find a younger me and teach her everything that I had learned. But I can’t do that. All I can do now is try my best to educate teens about healthy relationships in hopes that others don’t have relatable experiences.

A final note, I want to add is I also came to recognize my own imperfections in this relationship. I acted, at times, in ways that I am not proud of. I think with the proper education I could have learned how to better treat my partner and how to better react in certain situations. Teens and young adults are expected to learn and figure out relationships all on their own life experience but why not give them a head start in figuring it out and talk to them at a young age about consent, boundaries, bodily autonomy, kind words and what a healthy relationship should be like. Thank you~Greta.

Helping Your Teen Deal with the Love Bug

Questioning my Education Practice (part 2): an interview with Kay Switzer

Interview with EOI Board member Kay Switzer, part 2: Questioning My Sex Education

 EOI’s Director of Development, Gail Cowan, sat down with Kay Switzer, EOI board member, to ask her about her own experience with sex education and her motivation for working in the field. Kay has been a mover and shaker in the reproductive world, dedicating her career to the advancement of reproductive rights. She has had time spent in the classroom teaching sex education to students as well as advocating for the Title X family planning program. This is part 2 of the interview. (You can read part 1 here)

 Gail: Last time, we talked about your sex education experience in middle school and high school. How did that education prepare you – or not – for the larger world after you left high school?

 Kay: When I went to community college away from home, I met so many people from different walks of life. But I found that I was still operating from a shame-based narrative about my personal life, including how I felt about myself and my own sexual experiences or lack thereof. I remember having a conversation with a good friend. She said to me, “I have learned more from you than I have in school or from my family.” While at the time I was flattered, I now realize how telling that statement was. If I was the best it got in terms of sex education for my friend, then that was saying something.

 Gail: How and when did you begin teaching sex education?

 Kay: I first began teaching sex education informally to friends and peers as I learned factual information about reproductive and sexual health . I was able to answer questions and provide support. Then, once I had transferred to a university, I worked with teen girls through a summer program. Some of the girls talked to me about same-sex experiences. As I spoke to these girls, I could hear in their questions the bias they were experiencing:

 ·        “My parents don’t like gay people, but I don’t have a problem with it”

·        “I didn’t really want to... It just happened, but like I kinda wanted to”

·        “I think I like girls”

 As an educator, how do you hear these things and not let it get to your heart? Thankfully, I was able to sit down and talk one-on-one with many of these girls to mentor them and provide honest feedback.

 Gail: In addition to being passionate about sex education, you’re also an advocate for family planning services. When did you start realizing the importance of trauma-informed family planning care?

 Kay: When I was in my early 20s, I went to the gynecologist to get birth control. I picked the non-hormonal IUD. No one told me how painful this would be. I took some ibuprofen before coming in as directed, but no one explained to me that doctors can and will do an invasive procedure on women without pain medications. It hurt so much that I had to stop and couldn't finish the procedure. The next year, I had my annual visit, and I was so nervous that the new gynecologist asked me if I was okay. She said, “it looks like you have had some trauma.” I did not even think of it that way. Women experience pain and are expected to push through it. Our health care is determined by our professionals. Within any health system, it's up to the doctor to create the atmosphere of safety for the client. If that doctor has any biases, it is very apparent in their practice. Unfortunately, this is how the cycle continues.

 Gail: How do you think we can best end this cycle?

 Kay: All of these experiences justify the importance of comprehensive sex education. Comprehensive sex education does not use fear tactics to shame students. Rather, it is inclusive of all students, including LGBTQ+ youth, and it is factual and free of biases and personal values.

 I recently saw a book on anatomy at a local store and I opened it to find every system in the human body covered, except for the reproductive system.

 When we give age-appropriate sex education – beginning with teaching elementary school the basics about boundaries and consent (e.g., it is okay not to hug someone if you don’t want to) – we start a foundation for self-advocacy. As the student get older, they are more comfortable with refusal skills and saying no. When we give kids information on sex education often it delays first onset sexual experience. If the goal is to avoid unwanted infections, unwanted pregnancy, and healthy relationships, we need to stop lying to our kids about this information. We are human beings with many facets, including sexual development and sexual feelings, and it is important to talk about this.

 Gail: Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. It’s so important that we talk openly and honestly about things so many people do through, but it can also be hard to do. We appreciate all you do for EOI – and for sex education and family planning in Iowa!

 Kay: Thanks for having me and giving me a place to share my experiences. I’m grateful for the staff of EOI and their commitment to talking about hard things every day.

Questioning my Education Practice: an interview with Kay Switzer, EOI Board member (part 1)

Recently, EOI’s Director of Development, Gail Cowan, sat down with Kay Switzer, EOI board member, to ask her about her own experience with sex education and her motivation for working in the field. Kay has been a mover and shaker in the reproductive world, dedicating her career to the advancement of reproductive rights. She has had time spent in the classroom teaching sex education to students as well as advocating for the Title X family planning program. This is part 1 of the interview. Part 2 will be featured in our next newsletter.

Gail: What’s your earliest memory of sex education?

Kay: When I was in third grade, I remember learning about the human body. We had lessons on the lungs, heart, and stomach. I vividly remember learning about the three bones in our ears from our student teacher. As I sat there filling out labels for each organ on my worksheet, I couldn’t shake the feeling of “what if there are more organs in the body that they are not telling us about?”

Gail: Did you continue to receive sex education? How did it change as you got older?

Kay: When I was in fifth grade, I remember a puberty talk. Boys and girls were separated to watch Just Around the Corner videos. I was fascinated. I was not menstruating, but the process was intriguing. It could have been the fact that it was taboo or that adults kept the information from us. After watching the videos, we received puberty packs – pads, deodorant, sanitary wipes, etc. I remember our teacher saying, “I spent money out of my own pocket to provide these for you.”

Then when I was in eighth grade, the boys and girls watched each other’s videos together. There were many laughs and silly questions. I was too afraid to ask the questions I wanted answers to because it was so much deeper than what my peers wanted to know. I wanted to know:

●       Why is this awkward?

●       Why can’t you just provide the facts?

●       Why is the principal looking in on the class only on puberty days?

Gail: Tell me about your experience with sex education in high school.

And when I was in tenth grade, I remember deciding what health classes to take. The options were sparse – Sex Education, Mental Health, and Family Health (which included carrying a baby doll around for two weeks). I remember my teacher showing us condoms but explaining that she couldn’t show us how they worked because the school was against it. If parents didn’t want their child learning about sex education, that student was put in one of the other classes. The only other class that touched reproductive health was anatomy and physiology.

When I took my high school health class, my teacher overshared personal details. I thought to myself, “Why does it matter that you first started menstruating on Christmas day in 5th grade?” I did not need to know that she got on birth control after her child was born. She made it seem like birth control was only an option after you had a child. I was bold that day and I asked, “but do you NEED to be on birth control?” My teacher looked a little stunned and replied, “well it’s up to you.” This was the only affirming thing I remember learning. It’s UP TO ME to decide what is right for my body. She may not have intended that to be the answer, but it was mine.

Gail: How did these experiences shape your professional interest in sex education and the work you do now?

Because health class was always my favorite, I took every opportunity to be in a class where this was the subject material. I was so lucky to have six classes that talked about sex education, but it still wasn’t enough. There were holes in the education. I always wondered why it was so hard for people to talk about these topics. Now I know.

Sex Education should always be the primary responsibility of the parent or caretaker to address at home. But what happens when our parents/caregivers are too uncomfortable with the topic? Their children extend the cycle of misinformation. This leaves the education up to the public school system, which is governed and influenced by religious teachings and personal values (even when it should not be this way). Young people deserve factual information, untainted by personal bias and coercion.

In my case, I was heavily influenced by the religious values of my family. I was expected to marry a man, have babies, and never advocate for my bodily autonomy. This naturally skewed the importance of sex education in my family. I was expected not to have sex until I was married, and therefore didn’t need information about sex. But despite the peer pressure of shaming sex practices, I wanted to learn as much as I could to help other people in my situation. Knowledge is power.

I knew that what I was being told was not applicable to me. As a child-free person and someone who has known they are part of the LGBTQ+ community since childhood, I didn’t feel represented. If I was not supposed to have sex until I was married, did that not apply to queer folks? Why were there so many rules for straight couples and none for me? It just felt confusing. We just danced around all of these topics.

At EOI, the work we are doing is helping young people make healthy decisions for themselves. We are breaking the cycle of misinformation. It is up to us to advocate for our own bodies and for the education of younger generations. Together, we are making this vision a reality.

What Small Town Sex Ed Taught Me

I come from a small town in the northwest corner of Iowa. Growing up in a small town, with very conservative views on life, I hadn’t been exposed to much. My school was 99% white, 99% (perceived) heterosexual (if anyone came out as otherwise they were made to feel ashamed), and at least 80% of my community were conservative Christians. 

 In middle school we had the “puberty talk”—boys and girls in separate rooms, of course. I will give credit to the school nurse for providing an anonymous question box for us girls to put questions in. The boys weren’t so lucky: the PE teacher was in charge of their puberty talk. How original! 

 In high school, we got basic information about sex and reproduction. We were also told that every time we had sex outside of marriage, we were giving away a petal from our “flower” and if we had too much sex before marriage, we wouldn’t have a flower left to give our “husband.” The takeaway was girls shouldn’t have sex because men deserve an intact “flower”. The teacher certainly wasn’t talking to the boys in the room when she used the word husband, because as I mentioned, heterosexuality was the ideal. 

 So, what knowledge did I have going into college, you ask? I knew that a sperm and egg made a baby and I figured out through context clues that sex was the common method of combining them. I knew condoms were a popular birth control method, they were cheap enough, and you could buy them without anyone really knowing. 

 Imagine my surprise when I had a “class field trip” to a women’s health clinic for a college class (thanks public health major) and they talked about birth control methods that I had never heard about like the shot, the IUD, the implant, and emergency contraception. I had heard of EC but was told it was the same as an abortion pill (let the record show this never stopped me from going with most of my high school friends to get them emergency contraception and a pregnancy test, with the idea that if the pregnancy test was positive, they would take the EC… tsk).

 In college I learned just how prevalent STIs are and how regularly someone should get tested. I also learned how easy getting tested could be. I’ll never forget going to the student health clinic for a prescription and the receptionist asking if I’d like a free STD screening. Now I realize at a college, they’re probably a bit more proactive on the subject, but it was the fact that she didn’t whisper the question, she didn’t make me feel ashamed if I said yes and I wasn’t scared to feel shamed by any of the doctors there if I did do the screening. It was eye opening. 

 In college I leaned towards sex ed as a career. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for because I had never seen an example of good sex ed. In my mind my only option was to become a health teacher and hope I could be better than what I had.

 After finishing my classes, I began an internship with EyesOpenIowa, an organization whose mission is making sex ed better. I learned so much in my few months as an intern. It was truly eye opening, and at times very frustrating, to see just how much misinformation I was led to believe and how much information was withheld from me. 

 After my internship, EOI hired me to teach sex ed to teens in Des Moines! I learn new things every day at work. I still get frustrated, at times, when I think about how much shame I was taught to feel around sex. I think about all the teens who are still being exposed to that type of education and the shame they might be feeling. I have to remind myself that I am trying my absolute best to be the difference, even if it's just for a small portion of the population. You gotta start somewhere, right?

 My hope is that one day, there won’t be anyone left to write a blog like this. That there will be no more shaming sex ed in schools and that teens will finally receive the medically accurate, inclusive education they deserve. Only then will we see teen pregnancy rates at their lowest. STI rates at their lowest. And teen dating violence at its lowest.

Teaching Kids Self-Compassion in Real Time

As parents, we all know the drill: a child who doesn’t want to get ready in the morning, or forgets his lunch, or makes everyone else in the family late.

If there is a single experience that better defines frustration in parenting, I’m not aware of it. As a result of the morning dance—beginning with toddlers who don’t-want-to-wear-pinks-shoes-today-and why-can’t-they-have-blue-shoes-right-now to teenagers who don’t want to get out of bed and certainly don’t want to be seen with you driving them to school—we spend years as parents nagging, fighting, pleading, cajoling them to JUST GET READY SO WE CAN LEAVE BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE!

So much of this is normal. For better or worse, it’s the dance we do when we are responsible for someone who does not carry the burdens around time and space and schedules that we do as adults.

Parental responses to this usually alternate between 1) anger and frustration and 2) problem solving with schedules and checklists. This is also very normal – attempts to prepare our children for the larger world and to teach them that being late has consequences, etc.

But over time, by only swinging back and forth between anger and problem solving, we miss the opportunity to teach our kids something equally as important: self-compassion when we aren’t perfect. When we don’t want to go to the meeting today. When our inside reality doesn’t match demands from the outside. When we just feel a little over it all.

If we are only trying to raise kids who are punctual and able to meet obligations 100% of the time, then these strategies make sense. But if we want to raise kids who are able to meet the totality of human experience (i.e, does anyone really ever operate that way without eventually being crushed by anxiety and stress?), then we need other strategies.

We need to remind ourselves that part of our job as parents is to also teach our kids to become adults who lean into the discomfort that so often comes with reality. We need to raise humans who can ask themselves questions like, “Why am I having so much resistance to this thing?”, “Is how I’m feeling and indication of a change I need to make?”, and “If I truly do need to do this thing (e.g., a meeting), how can I take myself there kindly and compassionately?”

In order to do this, we need to engage more creative, expansive strategies beyond anger and problem solving around one specific outcome (i.e., being on time). This creative expansion can look like many things. For example:

·         Choosing to be late on days when it isn’t super important to be on time, so that we can sit and breathe with our kids and teach them to choose peace for our bodies and minds in the moment. Or better yet, deciding every now and again that we are going to chuck school and meetings altogether and have a breakfast date or play hooky. Used sparingly, these actions can teach our kids that it’s not about perfection. We can teach them that sometimes, we get to choose ourselves.

·         Asking, “What is going on in your body in these moments of stress? Tell me more about how you’re feeling about having to get to school on time. etc.” The goal here is not to convince our kids that being on time is important. They already know this. The goal is to teach them the skill of navigating contradiction: what do we do when we know something is important while we also have mixed feelings about doing that thing? Most adults feel this contradiction daily, but few of us were taught how to manage it. We were taught instead to ignore it and keep going. How can we teach our kids differently? Often, we don’t need to have all the answers. Just acknowledging that such a contradiction exists can make a huge difference.

·         Once we understand more about what’s going on, changing statements like, “But it’s going to be a great day! You love recess!” to “I hear you. I hear that things feel hard right now. How can we make those hard things better?” In saying this, we can remember that there is so much that children do not control. They spend most of their waking hours being told what to do. This is not easy. We need to find creative ways to give them more control over things that matter to them. For example, one day, my son shared that if he was able to pour orange juice in his water bottle, he’d feel better. In addition to having something nice to drink in class, the act of conscious, harmless rule breaking was helpful to him.

It’s been a challenge for me to remember that there are multiple things I am trying to do as a parent. Yes, it is very important to prepare and teach our kids how to be on time and meet deadlines, etc. But perhaps it is just as important to teach them how to live with themselves. Helping our children learn to manage internal states—especially when those states contradict one another—is critical.

The best part of all this? Engaging these strategies helps me in the moment, too. So often in the mornings, I am on auto pilot, hearing the voices of my parents and other adults in my head about why we have to be on time. Taking a moment to stop and question these voices is as valuable for me as it is for my kids.

Because it turns out, as parents, we need a lot of self-compassion too.

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com or gail@eyesopeniowa.org.

Obscuring Mirrors and Windows: The Effects of Book Banning

Obscuring Mirrors and Windows: The Effects of Book Banning

By Elliott Nassif, Lead Implementation Specialist

Book banning. It’s a tale as old as time. Books are mirrors that reflect back to us what our society values. When books are banned, it shows us our collective fears. When values around topics like politics, religion, education, and sex start to change, our society tends to recoil. What implications does book banning have for the futures of young people? I recently had the privilege of speaking to Christine, a high school librarian, to hear her thoughts about book banning in Iowa’s school libraries.

Elliott: What trends have you seen recently in book banning?

Christine: Book banning tends to go in waves. We haven’t had many in recent years, but the tide is turning. 

E: In Iowa and around the country, books are being banned or challenged because of themes like LGBTQ+ inclusion, racial justice, teen sexuality and sexual assault, and sometimes because of language that may be deemed “vulgar.” What strategies do librarians use to defend these topics?

C: Many times, materials are challenged when excerpts are cherry-picked from a story. Context is critical. One stipulation we have before our district’s libraries will consider a book challenge is that the material is read cover to cover. Oftentimes when that happens the reader realizes why the scene/word/objectionable material was included. 

E: What happens when a book is ultimately pulled from the shelves? Does it affect education?

C: When materials are restricted or unavailable it is the students that suffer. Not all materials are right for every student. That is the point. We are not all the same. We have different preferences, experiences and needs. Choice is key. It is the job of the librarian to provide materials that offer students a wide range of options so students can pick what is right for them.

E: What can libraries do to help prevent books from being banned?

C: One of the best things libraries can do right now is to make sure they have challenge policies in place. Facing a book challenge is inevitable. It's important to remember library materials and curriculum materials are not the same. Librarians do not require students to read all the books or even specific books. The purpose of a library is to provide a wide range of materials, so all students have windows and mirrors represented in available materials.

E: Thank you so much for sharing your insight, Christine, and thank you for all you do.

I LOVE Christine’s “windows and mirrors” metaphor. Everyone wants—and deserves—to have their stories told and to read stories about diverse experiences and worldviews. As a teen in the mid-2000s, I remember clinging to the handful of queer books in my hometown library. As an adult, I’m heartened by the wealth of books that center queer and trans characters, BIPOC characters, neurodivergent characters, and other marginalized populations.

So, what can we as educators and caretakers of young people do to make sure they see themselves in the media they consume?  

1.      Support your local library—through monetary donations, patronage, or volunteer time.

2.      Pay attention to any book challenges in your school district. Attend school board meetings and advocate for retention.

3.      Stay curious! Pick up a recently challenged book. Here are some titles:

·        All Boys Aren’t Blue by George M. Johnson

·        The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

·        Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe

Happy reading!

September is Suicide Prevention Month

September is Suicide Prevention Month. Suicide can affect anyone, and is the second leading cause of death for young people ages 13-24.  Research shows that LGBTQ+ youth are at higher risk for suicide attempts than their straight and cisgender peers--lesbian, gay, bisexual, and queer youth are 3-4x more likely to attempt suicide, and trans and gender non-conforming youth are up to 8x more likely. According to The Trevor Project, at least one LGBTQ+ youth attempts suicide every 45 seconds in the US.

These numbers are alarming, yet can be understood through knowing the challenges young people face because of their identities and expression. Queer and trans youth may experience bullying at school and online, or come from invalidating, unaccepting home environments. They are more likely to experience physical, emotional, and sexual violence as well as houselessness or unstable housing. All these issues contribute to depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns.

It's important for adults to know the signs of depression and potential suicidality in young folks:

·      Withdrawing from friends and family

·      Not keeping up with their personal hygiene or general self-care

·      Decreased school performance

·      Talking about dying or being suicidal

·      Quitting activities or hobbies they usually enjoy

·      Engaging in non-suicidal self-injury (cutting, burning, bruising)

·      New or increased substance use

Note: these behaviors may show up outside the context of depression or suicidal ideation, but knowing the signs and keeping communication lines open is a vital step for prevention.

 What are some other ways to prevent LGBTQ+ youth suicide?

Show support through your words and actions!

This can look like showing up for LGBTQ community events, using people's correct pronouns, and not assuming every person you encounter is cis or straight.

Representation.

Kids need and deserve to see themselves reflected in the media they consume and in what they learn in school. This includes learning about LGBTQ+ historical events and figures, reading books by and about queer and trans people, and receiving inclusive sex education. Inclusive education helps to affirm LGBTQ+ young people's identities and make school safer and more enjoyable. Not only that, it reduces the risk of suicide attempts and completed suicides.

Access to gender and sexuality affirming health care.

LGBTQ+ young people have unique health care needs--both mental and physical. By seeing inclusive and affirming providers, their needs are more likely to be met, and will result in better health outcomes.

Suicide is a daunting topic, but it's necessary to talk openly and honestly about it. This breaks down the stigma and lets young people know they are not alone. It just takes one caring adult to make a difference.

 Local and national LGBTQ+ resources:

 EyeOpenIowa

The Trevor Project  – hotline, live chat, and live texting

Trevor Project Crisis Hotline 1-866-488-7386

The Trans Lifeline – hotline run by and for trans people, plus other resources

877-565-8860

Iowa Safe Schools – LGBTQ+ resources for students, caregivers, and educators

LGBTQ Iowa Archives & Library

Primary Health Care – affirming and inclusive sexual and general health care

One Iowa – resources for finding LGBTQ inclusive mental health counselors and LGBTQ advocacy

Elliott Nassif, Lead Implementation Specialist at EyesOpenIowa

October is Let's Talk Month!

October is Let’s Talk Month. At EOI, we love Let’s Talk Month because it reminds us that conversations are the building blocks of sexual health!

 When we can talk about sexual health, we can normalize it. Safe, supportive conversation creates a resting place for human beings to return to when things get hard.

 But as so many of you know, there is a big difference between safe conversation and easy conversation. Especially when it comes to talking with our young people. Finding space for conversation between adults and teens can be a tricky skill to master. So many of us have felt this frustration!

 In honor of Let’s Talk Month, we thought we’d offer some tips for creating a space in which young people can open up and feel safe sharing thoughts and questions.

 The goal is never to get teens to speak every time we ask, but rather to become an “askable adult”. Being an askable adult simply means being a trusted source that young people can turn to when and if they want to chat.

 One of my favorite ways to ensure I’m an “askable adult” when it comes to sexual health and relationships is to work on becoming a safe space when the conversation isn’t centered around sex or relationships. Often, it can be easier to start there.

 As just one example, my oldest child, who is 11, has been feeling the school blues ever since school started three weeks ago. Predictably, these blues almost always come in the form of “I don’t like school!” and “I don’t want to go today!” every morning at about 7:45 before we walk out the door.

 Traditional wisdom as so many of us know from our own parents is to respond to these protestations with something like the following:

-       “I know, but it will be okay! You’ll get to see your friends.” OR

-       “You like school! You had so much fun yesterday.” OR

-       “You have to go. I have a big meeting today. Get in the car.”

 I have said every single one of these things multiple times out of panic and frustration. But over time, I have realized that such responses skip over my son’s feelings by either immediately offering a solution and/or telling him that his feelings aren’t real – or by centering my own feelings and what I have going on.

 We do this because we are panicked in the moment or because we just don’t want to DEAL. I get it. It’s so normal.

 But increasingly, I am working to engage another, more effective strategy that simply meets my son where he is – deep in his feelings. When I am in this parenting mode, I might say something like:

-       “I hear you and I believe you. Can you tell me where you are feeling this in your body?” OR

-       “I see how intense this feeling is for you every morning. Is there something I can offer you in the next minute or so – or after school – to help you deal with this pattern?” OR

-       “I’m so sorry. I know.”

 The tricky thing about kids is that they almost never come to you to talk about their feelings when they aren’t deep in the middle of said feeling. By nature, they process things as they come up (which is what a lot of adults do too, by the way!). And when you are five minutes late for school or a meeting and your child is experiencing an intense feeling, it can be hard to find the space – or patience – to work through them.

 But it helps to remember that our job as parents and caregivers is to prepare our young people for adult life, and as such, the fact that their feelings are happening in real time can be a beautiful opportunity to model how to best navigate future moments of stress.

 So we might say something like, “Being on time to my meeting isn’t super important today. I can be a few minutes late. Why don’t we sit together and breath?”

 We can take a moment to be with them in their feelings and ask them questions like, “What’s one thing you would change about school if you could?” or “Can you tell me more about it?”

And if we do actually need to be somewhere on time, we might say, “I’m so sorry that I have to leave now. But can we take some time after school to talk about this? Or a bit more time tomorrow morning if you’re struggling? I want to hear more.”

 Any response that leans toward compassion, expansiveness, and a feeling of security is what we’re aiming for here.

 Because isn’t kindness, safety, and expansiveness what we’re all searching for in moments of stress?

 The beauty is this approach is that it also allows space for us in moments of stress.

 And finally, it creates a beautiful building block for future conversations about more challenging things, like, you know, sex and relationships. Because such conversations also require space, safety, and compassion, too.

 We’d love to hear from you – what works for you to create safe spaces with your kids? Let’s talk!

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com or gail@eyesopeniowa.org.

Building Social Media Literacy: An Unconventional Experiment

Last year, during the pandemic, my husband and I gave into our nine-year-old and let her open an Instagram account.

I know, I know.

But there are important things to explain about this decision. First, she has a grand total of 10 followers to her private account. Each follower is a friend or family member, someone we trust. Second, with a few exceptions at the end (more about that later), we did not let her post pictures of herself.

Third—and most important—she was actually asking to open the account and discuss it with us as she went. It was, essentially, an invitation to a sacred and rare parent-child communication space that we couldn’t pass up. And with all the togetherness of the past year, it was easy enough to do.

We also made the decision because we are fully aware that in five or six years, our daughter will not be inviting us so willingly into her social media space.

In general, I am of the belief that, just as in sex education, we must start communicating with our children about challenging topics far sooner than we think.

And so I figured that while we were stuck at home together, allowing her to post pictures of puppies to Instagram and then chatting about her account was a great and gentle place to introduce her to the concepts of privacy and safety and overall the purpose of social media.

Here are a few things that came up during our experiment (which, BTW, only lasted a few short months before she grew bored and moved onto drawing cartoons from a series of tutorials on YouTube):

- She received requests from people we didn’t know, who wanted to follow her on Instagram. This allowed us to chat about why we don’t accept requests from strangers, especially as a child or teen. Over time, she would increasingly report when she rejected a request, telling me with pride, “I don’t know this person, so they don’t get to see my posts!”

- One day, she wanted to post a picture of her newly pierced ears. I said yes, which led to a series of posts from her that were clearly modeled after so many staged Instagram posts—“duck lips” and all. This led to a really important conversation about how and why there is so much staging on Instagram, as well as what is real and what is not real, etc. We also talked about body image and social media content. Ultimately, we removed the posts together.

- She posted a ton of cute puppy pictures she found online. From this I learned that puppy pictures make people really happy.

This tactic of working through social media together with children is not for everyone. But I do believe there are lessons to be learned from my experiment.

Too often, we give children far too little information to prepare them for real life: in sex education, in financial literacy, in social media safety, etc. Then as they become young adults, the bulk of our preparation entails telling them, “You’re about to do X thing. As you do, please just remember not to do the “wrong” things like get pregnant or go into debt or engage in unsafe online behavior.”

This type of “preparation” does not work. If we truly want to prepare children for adulthood, then we have to educate them fully. And sometimes that means going against the grain and allowing your nine-year-old to have limited access to social media. I’m hopeful our experiment served as just one of many important building blocks for the future.

We’re curious: what experiences have you had in bucking traditional wisdom in order to prepare your kids for the larger world? Or for the social media world? We’d love to hear from you!

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com or gail@eyesopeniowa.org.

Teaching Young Kids to Set Healthy Boundaries: a Focus on Sharing

If you spend any time at all in the modern parenting world, there is a verb you will hear over and over, usually attached to a little child’s name.

“We SHARE our toys, Brianna.”

“Finn, please share one of your trains with that little girl.”

“You need to share, Joe.”

On the surface, this seems simple enough. I mean, sharing is a nice, lovely thing to teach our children.

Right?

I don’t know.

I mean, how would you feel if, every day as you were sitting down to lunch, your boss stopped by and said, “Sarah, you need to share that sandwich with your co-workers.” Or “Jerome, please share that bowl of noodles with Kevin. Look how sad he is that he doesn’t have any.”

That would be weird. And annoying.

So this idea that we pound into our children to share, share, share is a little unsettling.

It’s unsettling because we are giving our children a very strong directive without any context whatsoever. We’re failing to give them internal decision making skills related to when to share, how much to share, and what to do when it doesn’t feel safe to share, etc.

Instead, we’re giving them the blanket notion that if they don’t want to share, it makes them bad.

This can have so many outcomes, many of which we perhaps never intended:

· Adults who have a hard time saying no to others.

· Children who rebel and don’t want to share anything.

· Endless amounts of guilt around whether we are doing enough in and for the world.

· The inability of teens and young adults and adults to say no in sexual relationships.

My intent is not to be reductionist in this area. I know that the above issues have many causes. But what we teach our children about sharing does play a role.

As a parent of three young kids, I’m still learning as I go. But here are some ideas about what we can do instead of insisting that sharing is the gold standard about 500 times a day:

1. First and foremost, back up a little.

At a local play space we frequent, it is not uncommon to see five kids playing at a train table and then at least two parents hovering over the table, narrating their child’s every move (“Caleb, we share our trains with the other kids.” “Samantha, move over to give that boy some space.” “No, Mason, that’s not yours.” blah blah blah.)

Two things about this:

a) This type of behavior can make kids incredibly anxious. To understand this, simply imagine someone hovering over your shoulder and talking to you like that all the time.

b) When we stand back and let kids negotiate something like a train table themselves, they actually really do figure it out most of the time. When left to their own devices, children naturally learn to navigate the world as it exists for so many adults.

They learn how to handle it when others don’t share (e.g., children will often walk away and find something else to do), how to ask for things from other people, and how to decide when and with whom they want to share. For most kids, when left uninterrupted, these things are no big deal and help build some great decision making and boundary setting skills.

So perhaps, if we only do one thing, we can learn to give our children a little more space to figure it out on their own.

2. When we have more than one child, we can stop encouraging them to share everything with each other. Especially, again, when their natural inclination is to give everything all the time.

The other day, my child who is a natural giver was eating a sandwich. Her brother wanted some. Because I was tired and didn’t feel like listening to an argument, I said, “Come on, just share some.” She looked and me and yelled, “But I don’t want to share!”

Message received. She was eating her sandwich and I was asking her to share in order to make my life easier. Not really the best teaching on my part.

We can also respect this instinct in younger, pre-verbal children when they don’t want to share. Instead of teaching them that they are bad for having this instinct, we can realize that very often, they are picking up on and rejecting our manic energy about why we need them to share (so other people don’t think we are bad parents, so we don’t feel awkward around our friends and their kids, etc.)

Smart kids. We really could learn from them.

3. We can talk to our children, when they are old enough to understand, about how to make decisions around sharing. We can talk to them about when they feel the urge to share and when they do not and how to manage other people’s disappointment or frustration.

We can talk to them about the importance of staying in their own lane – if Damian and his mom are having a disagreement about what he can bring to school for lunch (he wants chips, mom packs carrots), we can teach our children that it is not their business to get involved and fix that for Damian by giving him our chips. Especially when we love our chips.

Also – and this is so important – we can talk to them about what to do when it does not feel safe to share. Doing so is a key building block for so many things that keep us healthy as adults, not the least of which is maintaining healthy physical boundaries, which can help preserve our energy, prevent sexual assault, abuse, etc.

At EyesOpenIowa, we know the importance of teaching young people boundaries in sex education programs. And we know that many of you do, as well. We can help expand this beyond the classroom by talking about the concept of sharing with our kids and with our friends, in order to change the narrative around this important issue.

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com.

New Year's Resolutions

Here we are again, the in the land of New Year’s resolutions.

Losing the (Quarantine) Weight.

Eating Healthier

Sticking to a Budget

Being a Better Person (whatever that means…we’ve done it too)

And yet, every year, it’s easy to track that after the initial hype, we’re all sort of over New Year’s resolutions by January 6th or so.

Many of us work with young people to help build their self-esteem. This work is critical and can be so rewarding. But it is equally important to keep track of and nurture our own relationship to ourselves as adults.

Usually, New Year’s resolutions are a thinly veiled mechanism for telling ourselves we are not enough and need to be BETTER.

This year, in addition to/instead of reliving the typical New Years resolution cycle, we offer you the following strategy for learning more about yourself and finding greater freedom within:

Step one: Pick one of your resolutions. For instance, “I want to lose 10 pounds” (a familiar one to many of us).

Step two: Instead of immediately proceeding headlong into an almost-sure-to-eventually-fail cycle of diet deprivation and positive/negative self-talk, try first asking yourself, “why do I want to lose 10 pounds?”

Common answers include, “to feel lighter, to feel as though I have more energy, to feel better about myself.” Sit with the question until you find one that feels the most true for you.

Step three: Pick your answer/one of your answers and make a list of all the ways and places in your life that this statement isn’t true – outside of weight concerns.

So, for example, if your reason was, “I want to feel lighter”, make a list of all the places in your life that feel heavy:

“I feel really bogged down at work with projects I keep saying yes to but don’t want to do” or

“I feel the weight of friendships or family relationships that don’t give to me as much as I give to them” or

“The grief I feel from having lost my mother feels like a weight in the middle of my chest.”

Step four: Decide to take a step to heal one of these places. For example, seeking therapy to work on why you constantly find yourself in relationships where you give, but don’t get, very much. Or to process grief. Or to examine your patterns at work.

It doesn’t mean we can’t carry on with weight loss or self-improvement. But doing this deeper work is the only thing that can provide the kind of freedom we seek in making New Year’s resolutions in the first place.

Wishing us all love and a little more lightness in 2021. And let’s go easy on ourselves – we survived 2020, which is no small feat on its own.

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com.

Dating While Social Distancing: How to Maintain a Healthy (and Fun) Relationship

By: Tricia Ingram Williams, Training Specialist

Let’s admit it; this whole social distancing thing can be a little stressful. There’s school-work to do, siblings and parents to tolerate at all hours of the day, and friendships to maintain. On top of all of that, some teenagers are also trying to continue a relationship with their significant other.

Dating is hard enough when you see your significant other (SO) at school 5-days a week. How the heck are teens supposed to keep their relationship happy and healthy when they can’t even meet up with their partner in person?

Below are five tips to help you maintain a healthy relationship with your SO while social distancing (and even a few social distancing date ideas).

Set boundaries. Since most of us are stuck at home right now, we’re spending more time than ever on our phones and other devices. This makes it tempting to text your romantic interest at all hours of the day (and night). But it’s important to spend time away from all those screens. Set boundaries with your partner about how often you’ll be in communication, so that you have plenty of time to focus on your school-work, exercise outside, spend quality time with your family, and get plenty of rest.

Respect boundaries. If your SO sets boundaries about how often they’d like to talk, be sure to respect those! You can’t expect your partner to always respond to your text immediately, even if they did just post on Snapchat.

Have a robust support system. Quick! Write a list of 5 people that you enjoy talking to. This list could include your best friend, a parent or other family member, a teacher; whoever you feel like you can rely on and trust. Now make it a goal to reach out to each of these people at least once this week. Sometimes we can rely too much on our significant other to be our best friend, romantic interest, therapist, and comedian all in one! This can put too much pressure on one person, and that’s not fair. Instead, it’s important to have a handful of people in our life that we can talk to about significant things, especially during stressful times (like a global pandemic).

Make informed choices about virtual sexual behavior. Since you can’t be with your boyfriend or girlfriend in person, you might want to be sexual in socially distant ways. While sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s important to learn about the potential positives and negatives of virtual sexual behavior (like sexting). For more information on sexting and its potential legal ramifications, check out Eyes Open Iowa’s blog post, “New Rules of the Digital Age - Sexting.”

Keep social distancing. The longer this pandemic goes on, the more likely it is that you will begin to feel “quarantine fatigue.” You may have noticed that your determination to maintain social distancing has waned in the past week or two, and you may be tempted to meet up with your SO in person. But it is so important that you continue to social distance, wear a mask in public, and stay home when possible. If you don’t want to get sick and you don’t want your SO to get sick, be sure to keep social distancing!

Even though social distancing means that you can’t be with you partner in person, it’s doesn’t mean that you can’t have some awesome date nights! Here are a few social distancing date ideas:

• Pick out a recipe and cook the same meal from your respective kitchens while FaceTiming. You could even make it a competition (who’s meal looks the best at the end)! Then sit down and enjoy the fruits of your labor

. • Use Netflix Party (or a similar website) to watch a show or movie together and chat throughout.

• Have a scavenger hunt for the most random objects you can find in your house. Set a time limit, and when the time is up show each other what you were able to find!

What other social distancing date ideas do you have? Comment below to let us know!

5 Ways to Improve Communication With Your Teen

by Danielle Miller Hajdini, LCSW

It’s difficult to compete for your teen’s attention in the modern world. Not only are parents up against the old regulars - social circles, homework, job responsibilities and extracurricular activities, now they must contend with the entire world wide web and it’s wild sister, social media! And let me tell you that sister is trouble! So many of us are left to wonder how we can communicate with our children in a fashion that leaves both parties feeling heard and valued. As a child and adolescent therapist, I’ve learned a few ideas that allow parents the opportunity to build a solid foundation of healthy communication with their adolescent.

Lead with the truth. Many times parents avoid truthful conversations with their children out of a desire to protect them. I caution against this as children are much more perceptive to other’s feelings than we give them credit for. They are always paying attention and picking up on even the smallest of comments and behaviors. If we don’t tell the truth to our kiddos then it leaves them to make up their own stories in their head and those stories can sometimes be much worse than the truth. No one wants their children to experience undue anxiety. Not to mention, if our kids know they can come to us with the difficult questions in life and we will be open and truthful, it will build a sense of safety and connection in our relationship that will last a lifetime. Everyone benefits from the truth!

Use active listening. Active listening is a term often used in therapy. It involves a high level of engagement upon your part. Giving you the opportunity to act as a sounding board, active listening builds validation for your teen and as a result he/she is much more likely to keep talking. Kids always hope their parents are actively listening and you can show them you are by doing the following:

● Put away cell phones or any other distractions

● Make and hold eye contact

● Withhold interruptions, judgement, advice and attempt to remain neutral

● Ask questions for clarification

● Smile, lean in - show you are interested

● Be absolutely present in the moment

Emphasize connection. The more you connect with your children through healthy conversation the less correction you will need. Teens who feel secure in their relationship with their parents will feel less of a need to rebel or act out (even though this can sometimes be a normal part of adolescence.) Isn’t that what we all want? Connection equates to quality time spent together in the present moment. How you spend your quality time is up to you: it could be going to lunch on the weekend or spending an extra 10 minutes together at night talking about their day. Agenda-free presence is all it requires.

Pay attention to the small things. Our kids will come to us for countless reasons throughout their lives. Something I think every parent wants. I recommend trying your best to field those small questions, concerns and comments with as much time and respect as you do with the big moments in life. If kids know they can come to you about a game they are playing or a sandwich they are eating and you will give your full attention and care no matter how trivial the topic, they are much more likely to come to you if they have questions about the big things in life like healthy relationships, problems with friends or thoughts and feelings of depression and anxiety.

Don’t assume the worst. Teenagers get a bad rap. They have a reputation that many times or most of the time (if I am being honest) precedes them- selfish, overly emotional, lazy, disrespectful and combative. You name it. As a therapist, I have heard it. While it may be true at times, the same can be said about adults. Parents have their problematic days too. If we are going to be forgiving of our own poor behavior, we should be forgiving of our teen’s questionable choices as well. We all have good days and bad days. Teens are exploring, learning and making mistakes. It doesn’t mean they don’t want our support, our concern, and our attention to help them navigate the difficulties. They beg us to love them through sometimes the ugliest of behaviors. They aren’t awful teens. They are simply people like us who are craving connection, validation and acceptance.

It’s up to us to guide our teens and support them even on their worst days. As parents we have the opportunity to take the lead and improve communication with our young people. If we practice these skills consistently, we will build relationships with our children that are overflowing with love, honesty and mutual respect.

Guest Blogger - Danielle Miller Hajdini, LCSW is the founder of Family Mind Wellness. A psychotherapist based in Atlanta, Georgia, she specializes in the holistic treatment and prevention of anxiety disorders. As a consultant, speaker and educator, she works to help families everywhere make the connection between mental wellness and healthy lifestyle choices. For more like this, visit Family Mind Wellness on Facebook

It's Never too Early to Talk About Consent

Parents can find a wealth of information about caring for their young children. One area of information, however, is often overlooked: Sex education. Including consent. This absence may be because we as a society are not comfortable talking about sexuality and consent in general, let alone thinking about it as important for young children.

However, experts say that talking about sexuality and modelling consent early in a child's life can have a lifelong positive impact. Age-appropriate sexuality and consent education may help prevent sexual violence or help children and teens to talk about it. This awareness may increase the chances of older children and teens developing healthy relationships and recognizing harmful ones.

Fortunately, there is a growing library of guidance available for parents of young children. Here are some tips for starting the consent conversation with young children:

Start with these simple steps!

• Show toddlers and young children that they have control over their body: ·

Parents and caregivers can model consent by asking young children if it’s ok to give them a hug. · Adults can also ask young children how they would like to greet relatives, rather than forcing children to “give auntie a hug.” · Caregivers can talk with children about the importance of listening to their “tummy.”. Affirm children's feelings when they say something feels “icky.”

• Demonstrate that it is safe to talk about sexuality: ·

Parents and caregivers can begin teaching children at a very young age the correct terms for their body parts. · Adults can read age-appropriate stories or watch videos that include correct terms for body parts and model healthy friendships. Parents and caregivers can build these steps into daily life with their young children and, eventually, it will become part of the normal routine. As children grow older they will be able to build on these steps with greater understanding of their bodies and relationships.

Resources for age-appropriate consent:

Iowa Coalition Against Sexual Assault, Partners for Prevention project, blog posts, information and resources for talking about consent with all ages of children.

Amaze Junior: video clips starting for age 4, coloring books, and other resources.

Question: How hard can it be to teach sex ed?

By Shari Stucker, Director of Programs

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Answer: Hard.

It can be easy to think that anyone could just step into a classroom with a curriculum and teach sex education. After all, it’s really just puberty and reproduction! But that’s not all sex education is.

At its start, sexual health education did focus primarily on puberty and reproduction, however, the field has evolved over the decades to a much broader understanding of what is needed to be effective for teens. With such a changing field, it can be difficult for schools, educators, and teachers to know what is needed in order to provide the most impactful education. At the same time, it is crucial that teachers and educators feel well equipped to provide this education.

To help schools and educators assess their sex education programming, the Sex Education Collaborative (SEC), has developed the Professional Learning Standards for Sex Education (PLSSE). The SEC is a group of fourteen national, regional, and state-based organizations with extensive experience training educators to teach school-based sex education.*

The SEC developed the PLSSE in part because teaching sex education is unique from other topics. In addition to content knowledge, educators must be able to navigate the wide spectrum of beliefs and experiences held by students, families and communities. Educators must accomplish this while also maintaining a safe and inclusive environment for all students.

The PLSSE contain the most up-to-date and best practice guidance for schools and classroom educators about content, skills, and professional disposition needed to provide effective sexual health education for K-12 students. These standards provide guidelines about what is crucial for effective sexual health education including: values, conscious and unconscious bias awareness, LGBTQ inclusivity, and the ability to answer sensitive or challenging questions.

EyesOpenIowa staff is available to talk with educators, teachers, and schools about the PLSSE and what is most needed for effective sexual health education. EOI’s trainings are also aligned with these new standards and goals and designed to be supportive and informational for new and veteran educators. EOI encourages educators and teachers to review all the PLSSE materials to help determine their own comfort and confidence levels.

*The SEC membership: Advocates for Youth, Answer, Cardea, dfusion, Elizabeth Schroeder Consulting, ETR, EyesOpenIowa, GCAPP, Healthy Teen Network, MOASH, Planned Parenthood, South Carolina Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, SIECUS, SHIFT NC.

Forget the Talk – It’s An Ongoing Conversation! - Part Two

By Gail Cowan, Director of Development

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In the first blog in this series, which you can access here, we talked about the need to move beyond “The Talk” and create open, honest conversation with our children around sexual health and relationships. This includes treating our kids’ questions around their bodies and sex just as we would other topics, like car maintenance and what’s for dinner: with accurate information and without a sense of embarrassment or skirting the issue.

But I realize that for many of us, this may be easier said than done.

I mean, I’ve worked in adolescent sexual health for about 20 years, and I still get nervous sometimes talking to my children about sex and where babies come from!

So, in this post, I want to pause and say that so often, when we think about adolescent sexual health and providing our children with sex education, the focus is solely on the young person him or herself. Which makes sense in large part, but doesn’t reflect the whole picture.

This is because talking to our children about sexual health and relationships is not just a process in which we prepare them for real life. If we have enough awareness and are willing to confront some of our own discomfort as we talk to our children, these conversations can also be an opportunity for our own growth.

This is important in a culture that one of my friends described recently as “an ongoing private, personal peep show”: sex is everywhere around us – graphically depicted and shown in popular culture in everything from soft drink ads to movies – but actual real conversation about sex and sexual health is sorely lacking and too often taboo.

Too many of us suffer the effects of such backwards normalization: we feel the pressure and the desire to be as attractive and sexually liberated as popular culture would depict human beings to be, but we have very little actual information about how our bodies function, how to talk to our doctors about sexual health issues, how to set appropriate boundaries in relationships, sexual and otherwise, etc.

It would be nice if we could change this by going back and giving our young selves adequate education and support around sexual health. But since we can’t, it’s up to each of us to figure out how to find such resources now. And one of the best places to start is with an inventory of what beliefs and roadblocks we each have around sex, sexual health, and our bodies.

Practically speaking, this means that before we try to talk to anyone else about these topics, it’s good to do a check-in with ourselves about them. One way to do this is to grab and pen and paper (or if you’re more the verbal type, a friend or loved one you trust) and answer the following questions:

1. What kind of information did I receive about sexual health and my body when I was growing up? Was it accurate and non-biased (e.g., naming parts of the anatomy accurately) or was there some misinformation or embarrassment or judgment (e.g., calling the penis a “wee wee”). Or was there simply no information at all?

2. How did my answer to #1 affect me growing up (both positively and negatively)? Where do I still carry shame or embarrassment? And where do I feel empowered? What would it take to move past anything that is blocking me from conversing openly and honestly with my child?

3. What would I like my child to experience differently than I did? Am I creating an environment in which this desired experience can happen? Where does this feel easy? Where does it feel hard?

4. What information would I like to have about my own body right now? (e.g., information about menopause, accurate information about how contraception works) What’s one step I can take to find this information?

This last step may be the most important of the bunch: when we ourselves are open to receiving new information about our bodies and our sexual health, we normalize and encourage this in our children, too. It can also give us more empathy and patience with ourselves and our teens during challenging conversations about sexual health and relationships.

Give it a try and let us know what you think – we’d love to hear your thoughts/tips/stories/ideas about how to engage in real talk with teens!

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Coming soon: part three of Forget the Talk – It’s An Ongoing Conversation!